1: As human beings, we tend to have many ideas and beliefs about what love is.
“Many of these beliefs reflect our shared cultural heritage,” Barbara Fredrickson writes in her book Love 2.0: Creating Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection.
“Like all those proliferating songs and movies that equate love with infatuation or sexual desire, or with stories that end happily ever after, or even the realistic marriage ceremonies that celebrate love as an exclusive bond and commitment.”
The science tells us love is an emotion. But not just any emotion.
It is the “supreme emotion,” Barbara writes.
2: So, what can science teach us about love?
“Science need not inevitably leave us holding a flat corkboard with a dismembered butterfly pinned to it,” Barbara writes.
“Science can also glorify, painting a colorful and multidimensional road map for a more potent life journey, one that eliminates the detours of false hopes, false prophets, false claims, and charts a course toward the real thing.
“It can leave the butterfly alive and whole and set it free.”
Because when we understand how love works, we can access a “transcendent state,” she writes, “with all its inherent goodness.”
2: Let’s start with love is not.
“Love is not a category of relationships,” she writes. “Nor is it something ‘out there’ that you can fall into, or—years later—out of. Love is not sexual desire or the blood-ties of kinship. Nor is it a special bond or commitment.”
Yes, love is interconnected with these important ideas.
“Yet none,” she observes, “capture the true meaning of love as our bodies experiences it.”
Scientifically speaking, “Love is the micro-moment of warmth and connection that we share with another living being,” Barbara writes.
Like all positive emotions, “the inner feeling love brings you is inherently and exquisitely pleasant,” she notes, “it feels extraordinarily good, the way a long, cool drink of water feels when you’re parched on a hot day.”
But love is far more than just a good feeling.
These micro-moments act like oxygen and food. She writes: “I’m not just taking poetic license.
“I’m drawing on science: new science that illuminates for the first time how love, and its absence, fundamentally alters the biochemicals in which our bodies are steeped. They, in turn, can alter the very ways our DNA gets expressed within our cells.
“The love we do or do not experience today may quite literally change key aspects of our cellular architecture next season and next year,” she observes, “cells that affect our physical health, our vitality, and our overall well-being. . .
“It expands our awareness of our surroundings, even our sense of self. . . While infused with love, we see fewer distinctions between us and others. Indeed, our ability to see others—really see them wholeheartedly—springs open.
“Love can even give us a palpable sense of oneness and connection, a transcendence that makes us feel part of something far larger than ourselves.”
3: Love is more than those “unique feelings we reserve for our spouse or our romantic partner,” Barbara notes. More than those “warm feelings for our children, parents, or close friends.”
We can experience the emotion of love in many ways as we live our lives. “Love blossoms, she writes, “virtually anytime two or more people—even strangers—connect over a shared positive emotion, be it mild or strong . . .
“As we check out of the grocery store, we share a laugh with the cashier about the face we see peering up at us from the uncommonly gnarly tomato in our basket.
“On our way to pick up our mail, we happen upon a neighbor we’ve not seen in a while and pause to chat. Within minutes, we find ourselves swapping lively stories with each other about the fascinations we share.
“At work, we and our teammates celebrate a shared triumph with hugs and high fives.
“On our morning jog, we smile and nod to greet fellow runners and silently wish them a good day.
“We share a long embrace with a family member after a trip that has kept us apart for too many days.”
When we upgrade our definition of love, we appreciate its impact even more. Understanding the science of love can make a huge difference in our lives. We realize we can be intentional about creating micro-moments of love. Creating these moments of shared positivity ultimately improves our happiness, health, and even our faith in humanity.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Before learning about the science of love, how would I have defined love?
Action: Seek out three micro-moments of love today.