1: Perhaps we’re worried that we don’t do enough to help other people.
“Obviously, I don’t know you,” Oliver Burkeman writes in Meditations for Mortals, “so I suppose it’s possible that you are a malevolent weasel who actively wishes harm on your fellow men and women.”
But that’s probably not the case.
Instead, we’re probably making it too complicated.
Let’s say we think of something we’d like to say to a friend whom we haven’t seen in a while.
“But we’re tired right now,” Oliver writes, “and that kind of email deserves doing properly, so we postpone it.”
Or a homeless person asks us for some money. We’re moved to help, and we do have some change.
“But then we recall how we’ve always been told it’s far more effective to donate to a well-run homelessness charity instead, he notes, “so we resolve to do this, but then never quite get around to it.
“Or we’d like to help out at the school fair, but this is an especially busy period, so it makes sense to get on top of our to-do list first, then aim to help out at the next one.”
Do any of these situations indicate we lack generosity?
The short answer? No. “Nothing was wrong with our essential impulses,” Oliver explains.
“It’s just that for the usual perfectionistic, limit-denying reasons—wanting to be optimally kind instead of just kind, or wanting to feel in full control of our time and obligations—we never manage to translate our impulses into action.”
2: There is a simple fix and a better way. Take action whenever we feel a generous impulse.
“Each time the thought to give arises, act on it,” says meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein.
Oliver’s advice? Do so quickly.
“The point isn’t to try to render ourselves more generous than we already are,” he writes, “but just to notice the moments when we naturally and effortlessly feel that way anyway, then not to screw it up with overthinking.”
Doing so requires a bit of willpower.
But “then notice what happens,” Joseph reflects. “In my experience, generosity never leads to remorse.”
In time, we end up creating a self-reinforcing loop. “Before we know it,” Oliver observes, “we’re a person who acts more generously—without ever having had to become a more generous person.”
3: Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations.
At the end of each week, we are exploring some of the life lessons Oliver shares in his wonderful book Meditations for Mortals.
Chances are, we are not someone “deficient in generosity or kindness,” Oliver predicts, “It’s far more likely that we have all sorts of generous thoughts and impulses, all the time. . . , and that our problem is that we repeatedly fail to do very much about them.”
We over-complicate things. We create obstacles that thwart our generous impulses. We get stuck in a “circular, self-absorbed tangle of guilt and obligation,” he notes.
And while we can’t make ourselves be better people.
We can simply let it happen by:
Step One: Recognize “that some part of us already feels the emotions we believe we ought to be feeling,” Oliver writes.
Step Two: Simply act on those thoughts.
The fact that we “felt the desire in the first place suggests that we already possessed the values we were chastising ourselves for lacking,” Oliver writes.
“Only someone with morals can beat themselves up for lacking morals.”
After all, “Does anyone imagine that Vladimir Putin lies awake at night, worrying if he’s really as caring and thoughtful a person as he’d like to believe?”
More next week!
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Reflection: Am I holding back kindness by making it too complicated, or can I act quickly whenever I feel the urge to help?
Action: Anytime I feel a generous impulse—reach out, give, or lend a hand—take immediate action before overthinking gets in the way.