1: Author Gay Hendricks received a text from a member of his extended family.
A family member was asking “for a loan of several thousand dollars for extra holiday expenses and to pay a tax lien,” Gay writes in his book The Genius Zone: The Breakthrough Process to End Negative Thinking and Live in True Creativity.
“Based on her dismal record of repaying past loans (zero for five over a twenty-year period), I found myself stewing about whether to go along with the ‘loan’ fantasy or just give her the money,” Gay shares.
“I also had a slew of other thoughts running through my mind, mostly about whether I should turn her down altogether,” he notes, “I didn’t like the idea of perpetuating her or anybody else’s dependency script. Plus, there was my growing irritation that I was being seen as her own personal ATM.
“Perhaps an unexpected no would shock her out of the mind-set that was creating her repetitive money dramas,” he thought.
“Occasionally a critical thought about myself would flicker through, such as, ‘Maybe I’m just being stingy.'”
Then, it hit him. Time to apply the Genius Move.
What is the Genius Move? It begins when we notice we are feeling unhappy in some way.
“Anytime we are unhappy,” Gay writes, “we are thinking about something we cannot possibly change or control.”
He observes: “Unhappiness comes from trying to control things that are actually uncontrollable and trying to change things that are actually unchangeable.”
2: To apply the Genius Move, Gay suggests we do the following:
Step #1. We notice any sort of unhappiness occurring somewhere in us. Perhaps our shoulders are feeling tight or we are recycling unpleasant thoughts such as what’s wrong with me, with others, or the world.
Step #2: We ask ourselves, “What am I trying to control that’s actually not within my power to control?”
Step #3. Sometimes we get an insight; sometimes we don’t. The wondering is the important part of the move, not the insight. Many of our biggest insights about what we’re trying to control will come later that day or even in our dreams.
Step #4: Formally declare it outside our control, even if we don’t have a clear insight about exactly what it is. Say in our minds or out loud, “I consciously let go of trying to control it, whatever it is.”
If we have an insight about the specific issue, put it in the sentence like this: “I consciously let go of trying to control whether Jane loves me or not,” or “I consciously let go of trying to control my nervousness when I speak in public.”
Step #5: Think of a positive action we can do right away, something we actually have control over, and take the action.
Examples: I can call Jane and ask her directly if she loves me. Or: I can talk about my nervousness with the audience rather than trying to hide it.
“The Genius Move has many benefits,” Gay writes, “but the one we will usually notice first happens right in our bodies. If we pay close attention to our body sensations, we will likely notice a new feeling of more space in your body—an expansive sense of liberation from the bondage of our efforts to control. We may notice we’re breathing easier as the overall relief of acceptance comes over us.” Another benefit of the Genius Move is it opens us up to a new way of engaging with other people.
“The moment we let go of trying to control other people—how they feel, what they want, who they want to be—we enter into a very different relationship with them,” Gay notes.
“Relationships in which people are trying to control each other are based in fear,” Gay writes. “When I first realized this in myself, I found it difficult to admit how much I was operating out of fear. Even fear itself was hard for me to acknowledge. I grew up in an era dominated by tough-guy heroes such as John Wayne, Gary Cooper, and Humphrey Bogart. John Wayne didn’t get scared or cry, and I didn’t, either.
“That was my story up into my twenties, but then it slowly began to dawn on me that if I wanted to have healthy relationships, particularly with women, I had to let go of my tough-guy act.
“My life became better the more I let go of trying to control my feelings and hide them from the world. I let myself cry again, which I hadn’t done since I was in elementary school. I admitted other emotions into my mind that I must have been feeling in my body since childhood: shame, fear, anger, sexual excitement. I began to realize that each of us has a wealth of hidden emotions tucked inside. As I began to listen more to my own inner world of feeling, I also began to tune in to that world in others.
“Discovering the new world of feelings revolutionized my life. I, who had spent a lifetime assembling barriers between me and others, now suddenly had nothing to hide,” he observes. “I, who had spent a lifetime being largely oblivious to other people’s feelings, now was willing to listen.”
3: So, how did Gay utilize the Genius Move to resolve the situation with his extended family member who wanted a loan?
Here’s what Gay wrote down in his journal:
“I have absolutely no control over whether or not she ever transcends the limitations that keep her from being prosperous.
“I have no control over what she thinks about me or how she feels about me. It’s absolutely none of my business if she feels grateful or angry or considers me her personal ATM.
“The only thing I have control over is whether or not I give her the money. I especially have no control over how either of us is going to feel about it afterward. I don’t know if she’ll regard me as a benign philanthropist or a pathetic sucker, but in any case, what she thinks is beyond my ability to control. It’s none of my business.”
After going through the steps of the Genius Move outlined above, he quickly came to a decision: “I offered her the money as a gift, not a loan. In return, I asked for a verbal and written agreement that she would not approach me about any money-related matters for at least eighteen months. I told her I valued our relationship and wanted to have it be free of money topics for a while. She readily agreed.”
What happened next? “The moment I got off the phone I felt a powerful rush of positive energy stream up through my body. It was an overall feeling of zest, a whole-body hum of aliveness. I’ve felt it thousands of times, but every time it happens it always feels brand new.”
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Where am I holding onto the illusion of control in my relationships, and how might letting go open up new possibilities for connection?
Action: Practice the Genius Move the next time I feel stuck or unhappy, consciously letting go of what I can’t control and taking one positive action within my power.