1: Eleanor Brown took out her journals and sighed.
“There were some good times,” she said, “but mostly these journals are filled with over fifty years of dreams that never came true.”
She confided this to Diane Button, her end-of-life doula.
Eleanor was seventy-two years old. She had been journaling since she was 21.
She flipped through the pages, reading entries aloud, as Diane recalls in her powerful book What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living
“January 3, 1980—This year I’m going back to nursing school. I found an amazing program with enough flexibility so I can work part-time, too. I’m so excited!
“July 26, 1986—Today, Sheila, Beth, and I had a two-hour lunch at the Roadhouse Café. They both have kids now, and Beth is pregnant again. I told them that if Matt and I are ever going to have a family, we need to get started. More sex and a couple of babies sounds like a win/win!
“May 9, 1996—This relationship is holding me back. I’m no longer myself and I feel lost. It’s time to move on.
“April 20, 2000 –My fiftieth birthday came and went. I went into a funk afterward for two full weeks, realizing I’m getting older and still haven’t taken the time to follow my dreams. What’s wrong with me? I’m so grateful for my wide circle of friends and enjoy all the projects I’m involved in, but I find myself increasingly jealous…everyone seems to be having a great time…except me. This relationship hasn’t gotten any better. I need to move through my fear of being alone. Being alone would be so much better than feeling so unloved.
“May 4, 2008— Why am I so scared? I have the freedom to change my life. No one is stopping me. Starting right now, I’m going to be brave and do the things I’ve always wanted to do.”
When Eleanor looked up, she was crying.
“I didn’t do any of these things,” she said, “not even one of them. Where did the years go? What happened to my life? I guess I always thought there would be more time.”
The two women sat together silently.
In her work, Diane has learned the value of “holding space for grief.” In Eleanor’s case, the grief stemmed from regret over her unrealized dreams.
“Her truth was that she waited too long,” Diane observes, “and now it was too late to follow her dreams.”
She didn’t try to ease Eleanor’s sadness by changing the topic, pointing out the good times, or telling her what she should do.
“I didn’t try to minimize her sadness or take away her pain,” Diane shares. “I simply listened and acknowledged her feelings.
“In telling her story, she was able to rest in her sadness and slowly let go,” she notes. “There can be a powerful healing when there is a safe space for truth to be spoken out loud.”
2: Eleanor was beaming the next time Diane saw her. “She looked radiant and much younger than she did when I saw her two weeks before,” she writes.
“What have you been up to the past two weeks, Eleanor?” Diane asked. “You look like you’re filled with energy!”
“I am!” she said with a fervor that was completely missing in their last conversation.
“I decided to make lemonade out of all those lemons in my life,” Diane said. “I know it’s too late for me to travel the world and to find new love, but it’s not too late for me to teach my nieces and nephews so they don’t make the same mistakes as me.”
The prior Sunday, her seven nieces and nephews, who ranged in age from teenagers to those in their early twenties, had come over for a big brunch in her backyard.
While everyone was gathered around the table, Eleanor told them all about her life.
“She shared about her early years and the dreams that came true,” Diane writes. “And then she focused on the long list of ones that never materialized.”
Eleanor urged them to live differently: “Starting today, I want you all to promise me that you will be brave, take chances, and follow your dreams. Don’t wait.
“Do the things that are burning inside you,” she told them. “Pay attention to what breaks your heart wide open. This is where your passion lies. Those will be the things that bring you happiness and success.
“Someday, you will look back, just like I am now, and when you do, I want you to feel fulfilled… I want you to smile through all the decades because you were brave and determined and you tried. That will be a life well lived.”
Sharing her life story and encouraging her nieces and nephews was a powerful experience for Eleanor. Diane shares that Eleanor saw “the hope, passion, and understanding in their eyes.”
It was clear to Diane that Eleanor found peace with her past by sharing it with the next generation.
3: Now, let’s connect Eleanor’s journey to what we do at RiseWithDrew. Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations.
At the end of each week, we are exploring some of the life lessons from Diane’s book, What Matters Most.
Diane’s lesson for us here?
“We can avoid many regrets and unfinished business by paying attention to what is most important for us to accomplish as we go through our lives,” she writes.
One way to live is to imagine we only have six months to live.
Then, live that way.
“Take that art class.
“Learn to speak that language.
“Start a nonprofit foundation.
“Play that instrument.
“Kiss that girl.
“Bake that loaf of bread from your grandma’s sourdough starter.
“Speak in public. Sing in the shower.
“Write that poem. Share our story.”
Diane encourages us to “discover what is brewing in our heart and soul. And do that.”
We can “decide to live a life with no unresolved regrets by sharing our hearts, following our dreams, and being true to ourselves.”
More next week!
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Reflection: If I only had six months to live, how would I live differently?
Action: List the actions I’d take if time were limited. Begin my first step today—don’t wait.