1: “Dear [name], It has been a short time since you were here at Newcastle Mater Hospital, and we hope things are going well for you. If you wish to drop us a note, we would be happy to hear from you. Best wishes, [signature]
So read one of the short notes in a series of postcards sent to half of the 772 patients released from an Australian hospital after a suicide attempt.
“Over the next two years, members of the group that received the postcards were readmitted at half the rate of the control group,” Daniel Coyle writes in The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups.
The lesson here is straightforward Stanford professor Dr. Gregory Walton: “A small signal can have a huge effect.”
2: The impact fades, however, if the message isn’t communicated consistently over time.
“This is all about establishing relationships, conveying the fact that I’m interested in you, and that all the work we do together is in the context of that relationship,” Gregory says.
“It’s a narrative,” he says, “You have to keep it going. It’s not unlike a romantic relationship. How often do you tell your partner that you love them? It may be true, but it’s still important to let them know, over and over.”
The reason these messages need to be sent repeatedly is because of the way our brains work. We are obsessed with danger. Which is one of the reasons we’ve survived and thrived as a species. We are always wired to have our guard up.
“This obsession originates in a structure deep in the core of the brain,” Daniel writes. “It’s called the amygdala, and it’s our primeval vigilance device, constantly scanning the environment.
“When we sense a threat, the amygdala pulls our alarm cord, setting off the fight-or-flight response that floods our body with stimulating hormones, and it shrinks our perceived world to a single question: What do I need to do to survive?”
3: More recently, scientists have discovered that the amygdala does more than scan the environment for danger. “It also plays a vital role in building social connections,” Daniel notes.
“It works like this: When we receive a belonging cue, the amygdala switches roles and starts to use its immense unconscious neural horsepower to build and sustain our social bonds. It tracks members of our groups, tunes in to their interactions, and sets the stage for meaningful engagement.”
In an instant, the amygdala “transforms from a growling guard dog into an energetic guide dog with a single-minded goal,” Daniel observes, “to make sure we stay tightly connected with our people.”
This vivid reaction of the amygdala lights up on brain scans in an entirely different way.
“The whole thing flips,” says Jay Van Bavel, a social neuroscientist at New York University. “The moment we’re part of a group, the amygdala tunes in to who’s in that group and starts intensely tracking them. Because these people are valuable to you.
“It’s such a powerful switch—it’s a big top-down change, a total reconfiguration of the entire motivational and decision-making system.”
Which uncovers a paradox about how belonging works.
“Belonging feels like it happens from the inside out, but in fact it happens from the outside in,” Daniel writes. “Our social brains light up when they receive a steady accumulation of almost-invisible cues: We are close, we are safe, we share a future.”
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Consider a relationship I want to strengthen and improve. What belonging cues can I send consistently over time?
Action: Do it.