1: Fred Kofman was five years old. It was the night before he was to start first grade.
“I had a meltdown in bed,” he recalls in his book The Meaning Revolution: The Power of Transcendent Leadership.
“My parents heard me crying, so they came to check on me. When they asked me why I was crying, I told them that I was afraid that they would get mad at me if I didn’t do well at school.
“Don’t worry,” they said, “you will do very well.”
Fred’s child-self absorbed the lesson: “If I’m successful, I’ll be loved.”
Which is very different from: “We’ll always love you, regardless of how you do in school.”
Looking back, he writes: “I learned to link approval and love with academic performance, so I spent my life trying to prove I was lovable—all the way to an MIT professorship and a divorce.”
This story speaks to how ego works its way into our lives, beginning when we are young.
“We develop automatic routines to deal with our anxiety about self-worth at the outset of our life,” Fred explains. “As children, these defensive routines protect us from painful feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, and guilt.
“If we touch a hot stove, our pain quickly teaches us not to do it again. The same goes for emotional pain; when we experience it, we draw conclusions about what caused it and how to avoid it in the future.”
When we “feel like a victim of circumstances or people beyond our control, our ego is in control,” Fred explains. As it is when we know what we should do, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it.
“At a conscious level, we know that pursuing ambitious goals and growing or creating authentic relationships is more important than not failing, looking good, or avoiding rejection,” he observes. “But it’s much harder to feel it in our bones.
“That’s why, in spite of our best judgment and intentions,” Fred notes, “unless we work on it, we keep repeating ego-driven reactive patterns that falsely protect and limit us. . .
“Because ego-defensive routines are stored as unconscious memories in the parts of our brain that develop earliest, trying to use our adult willpower to change them is like trying to convince yourself to touch a hot stove.
“No matter how much we tell ourselves,” he explains, “that we should have that conversation with the low-performing employee or listen quietly to someone who disagrees with us, doing so feels dangerous.”
2: The key to overcoming our ego, Shayne Hughes and Brandon Black argue in their book Ego Free Leadership, is to become more aware when we experience an “emotional pinch”—when “our bodies literally react to the perceived threat by tightening our muscles, frowning, hastening our breathing, and so on.”
This is a sign that there is “an illusory danger to our ego” and that we are about to react or become defensive.
“The goal is not to avoid having pinches,” Shayne and Brandon explain, “but rather to notice and welcome them as opportunities to learn and grow.”
In time, we can move from “a reactive defensive-aggressive pattern to a creative constructive orientation.”
Shayne and Brandon outline a five-step approach to make this happen.
Step one: “Notice the moments in our lives when we experience a pinch. This might be an event or something someone says or does.”
Step two: “Instead of reacting to something external that pinches, search for what is triggered in us. If someone pushes our buttons, don’t focus on him or her but on our buttons. What is that visceral discomfort we’re trying to numb or blame others for? How do we feel our sense of self-worth is being threatened?”
Step three: “When we notice other people hiding behind defensive veneers of bravado, aggression, or indifference, consider the vulnerabilities that may be driving them, and empathize with their deeper fear.”
Step four: “Focus on our own highest goals and values. What do we really want for ourselves? What would we like to convey to the other person? What do we care about the most? What example would we like to set through our own behavior and leadership? Connect with the deeper intention that motivates us to break our defensive patterns. “
Step five: “In talking with another, take the risk of sharing how we ourselves feel vulnerable. Share our feelings about the perceived threat, not our mental chatter. Model a context of safety for mutual disclosure and connection.”
3: As an example, Fred shares what happens to him when one of his colleagues shares an insightful idea.
“My ego feels a pinch of envy and the desire to find a flaw in their thinking,” he observes.
But, “instead of surrendering to it, or pushing against my feelings, I become curious about them. When I look deeper, I discover that I feel vulnerable about not being the smartest person in the room. . . I feel under threat. My first instinct is to try to knock him or her down with some even more brilliant criticism–delivered with just the right touch of sarcasm.”
When Fred feels this “emotional pinch,” he stops himself from reacting.
Because “that is not the way I want to relate to others,” he notes. “What I care about more than being admired for my brainpower is supporting those around me, so that they can shine as brightly as possible. I take delight in their brilliance and success. I allow myself to relax and appreciate their light; if there’s an opportunity to help the person polish his or her idea even more, I offer my opinion respectfully, as a building block rather than a missile. I try to be the transcendent leader I see myself as.”
He writes: “I’ve found that accepting my feelings with understanding and empathy, and then reconnecting to my deepest goals and best intentions for the company, the team, and the individuals under me, brings me back to a more creative and effective state of mind.”
Personal development work like this is essential to becoming a transcendent leader: “This kind of self-contemplation is not just part of our personal growth; it is an absolute requirement,” he writes. If we’re defensive, territorial, competitive, aggressive, avoidant, and so on, we’ll produce similarly dysfunctional behaviors in our followers.
“Transcendent leaders need not only to define the standards of the organization, but, most important, demonstrate them–especially when under stress.”
More tomorrow!
__________________________
Reflection: Consider a current challenging situation. How is this an opportunity for me and for others to grow? What will most help all of us take advantage of this occasion? What kind of relationship do I want to develop with this person? What is my intention for him or her? What matters more to me than my own success? What matters more to me than being liked? How do I want to show up in this situation? What values and behaviors do I want to exemplify?
Action: Journal my answers to the questions above.
1: Fred Kofman was five years old. It was the night before he was to start first grade.
“I had a meltdown in bed,” he recalls in his book The Meaning Revolution: The Power of Transcendent Leadership.
“My parents heard me crying, so they came to check on me. When they asked me why I was crying, I told them that I was afraid that they would get mad at me if I didn’t do well at school.
“Don’t worry,” they said, “you will do very well.”
Fred’s child-self absorbed the lesson: “If I’m successful, I’ll be loved.”
Which is very different from: “We’ll always love you, regardless of how you do in school.”
Looking back, he writes: “I learned to link approval and love with academic performance, so I spent my life trying to prove I was lovable—all the way to an MIT professorship and a divorce.”
This story speaks to how ego works its way into our lives, beginning when we are young [hyperlink to yesterday’s RWD]. “We develop automatic routines to deal with our anxiety about self-worth at the outset of our life,” Fred explains. “As children, these defensive routines protect us from painful feelings of hurt, fear, embarrassment, and guilt.
“If we touch a hot stove, our pain quickly teaches us not to do it again. The same goes for emotional pain; when we experience it, we draw conclusions about what caused it and how to avoid it in the future.”
When we “feel like a victim of circumstances or people beyond our control, our ego is in control,” Fred explains. As it is when we know what we should do, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it.
“At a conscious level, we know that pursuing ambitious goals and growing or creating authentic relationships is more important than not failing, looking good, or avoiding rejection,” he observes. “But it’s much harder to feel it in our bones.
“That’s why, in spite of our best judgment and intentions,” Fred notes, “unless we work on it, we keep repeating ego-driven reactive patterns that falsely protect and limit us. . .
“Because ego-defensive routines are stored as unconscious memories in the parts of our brain that develop earliest, trying to use our adult willpower to change them is like trying to convince yourself to touch a hot stove.
“No matter how much we tell ourselves,” he explains, “that we should have that conversation with the low-performing employee or listen quietly to someone who disagrees with us, doing so feels dangerous.”
2: The key to overcoming our ego, Shayne Hughes and Brandon Black argue in their book Ego Free Leadership, is to become more aware when we experience an “emotional pinch”—when “our bodies literally react to the perceived threat by tightening our muscles, frowning, hastening our breathing, and so on.”
This is a sign that there is “an illusory danger to our ego” and that we are about to react or become defensive.
“The goal is not to avoid having pinches,” Shayne and Brandon explain, “but rather to notice and welcome them as opportunities to learn and grow.”
In time, we can move from “a reactive defensive-aggressive pattern to a creative constructive orientation.”
Shayne and Brandon outline a five-step approach to make this happen.
Step one: “Notice the moments in our lives when we experience a pinch. This might be an event or something someone says or does.”
Step two: “Instead of reacting to something external that pinches, search for what is triggered in us. If someone pushes our buttons, don’t focus on him or her but on our buttons. What is that visceral discomfort we’re trying to numb or blame others for? How do we feel our sense of self-worth is being threatened?”
Step three: “When we notice other people hiding behind defensive veneers of bravado, aggression, or indifference, consider the vulnerabilities that may be driving them, and empathize with their deeper fear.”
Step four: “Focus on our own highest goals and values. What do we really want for ourselves? What would we like to convey to the other person? What do we care about the most? What example would we like to set through our own behavior and leadership? Connect with the deeper intention that motivates us to break our defensive patterns. “
Step five: “In talking with another, take the risk of sharing how we ourselves feel vulnerable. Share our feelings about the perceived threat, not our mental chatter. Model a context of safety for mutual disclosure and connection.”
3: As an example, Fred shares what happens to him when one of his colleagues shares an insightful idea.
“My ego feels a pinch of envy and the desire to find a flaw in their thinking,” he observes. But, “instead of surrendering to it, or pushing against my feelings, I become curious about them. When I look deeper, I discover that I feel vulnerable about not being the smartest person in the room. . . I feel under threat. My first instinct is to try to knock him or her down with some even more brilliant criticism–delivered with just the right touch of sarcasm.”
When Fred feels this “emotional pinch,” he stops himself from reacting.
Because “that is not the way I want to relate to others,” he notes. “What I care about more than being admired for my brainpower is supporting those around me, so that they can shine as brightly as possible. I take delight in their brilliance and success. I allow myself to relax and appreciate their light; if there’s an opportunity to help the person polish his or her idea even more, I offer my opinion respectfully, as a building block rather than a missile. I try to be the transcendent leader I see myself as.”
He writes: “I’ve found that accepting my feelings with understanding and empathy, and then reconnecting to my deepest goals and best intentions for the company, the team, and the individuals under me, brings me back to a more creative and effective state of mind.”
Personal development work like this is essential to becoming a transcendent leader: “This kind of self-contemplation is not just part of our personal growth; it is an absolute requirement,” he writes. If we’re defensive, territorial, competitive, aggressive, avoidant, and so on, we’ll produce similarly dysfunctional behaviors in our followers.
“Transcendent leaders need not only to define the standards of the organization, but, most important, demonstrate them–especially when under stress.”
More tomorrow!
__________________________
Reflection: Consider a current challenging situation. How is this an opportunity for me and for others to grow? What will most help all of us take advantage of this occasion? What kind of relationship do I want to develop with this person? What is my intention for him or her? What matters more to me than my own success? What matters more to me than being liked? How do I want to show up in this situation? What values and behaviors do I want to exemplify?
Action: Journal my answers to the questions above.