1: What is a crucial conversation?
The stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run strong, write Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
The challenge is that it’s not always obvious when a conversation shifts from routine or harmless to crucial.
“When stakes get high, you get so caught up in what you’re saying that it can be nearly impossible to pull yourself out of the argument,” the authors note.
“As a result, you don’t see what’s happening to yourself and to others.”
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to get triggered. Your goal is no longer to solve a problem, but to win the argument, prove that you are right, save face, or even punish the other person.
Fortunately, there are usually warning signs that you’ve entered a crucial conversation.
“Take a moment to think about some of your toughest conversations,” the authors suggest. What are the early warning signs that you’re at risk of moving away from healthy dialogue?
For some people, the first warning sign is physical.
“Maybe your stomach gets tight or your eyes get dry,” they observe.
These signals can serve as a warning sign to pause, slow down, and ask yourself: “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for the other person? And what do I really want for the relationship?”
For others, the first warning sign is emotional.
“They realize they are scared, hurt, defensive, or angry and are beginning to react to or suppress these feelings,” they explain.
“These emotions can also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take steps to turn your brain back on.”
Still others notice changes in their behavior first.
“For them it’s like an out-of-body experience,” Joseph, Kerry, and the other authors write. “They see themselves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded weapon, or becoming very quiet.”
3: The sooner you notice that you are in a Crucial Conversation, the easier it is to get back on track. The earlier you recognize what’s happening, the more choices you still have about what to do next.
“The sad corollary,” the authors note, “is that the longer it takes to notice you’re not in dialogue, the harder it is to get back and the higher the costs. . .
“You can easily get sucked into silly games before you realize what’s happened,” the authors note.
People who are best at dialogue use what the authors call a “dual process.”
“Not only do you have to be attentive to the content of the conversation (what is being said), but you also have to skillfully observe the process (how it’s being said).”
In other words, pay attention to two conversations at once: the one you’re having and how you’re having it.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Think about your last difficult conversation. What was your first warning sign that the conversation was becoming crucial: something physical, emotional, or behavioral?
Action: Identify your personal warning sign. The next time you notice it, pause and ask yourself: What do I really want for myself, for the other person, and for the relationship?