1: You might think joy would be an easy emotion to embrace, Kelly McGonigal writes in her new book Joy is a Risk Worth Taking.
“But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the last decade of studying this emotion, it’s that for many people— even those who want more meaning, pleasure, connection, and hope in life—joy can be a hard feeling to trust.”
Why does this happen?
“Some believe that feeling good inevitably leads to feeling bad,” Kelly observes. “Others worry that feeling good, or even wanting to be happy, is somehow wrong.”
Resisting joy can have significant consequences for your well-being.
“If you want to strengthen your own capacity for joy, and help those in your life experience more joy,” she writes, “it is crucial to understand these concerns.”
2: Mohsen Joshanloo, a psychology professor at Keimyung University in South Korea, developed a “Fear of Happiness Scale” that asks people how strongly they agree with statements such as “I prefer not to be too joyful, because usually joy is followed by sadness.”
He tested the scale in fourteen regions around the world, including Brazil, India, Japan, Kenya, and Taiwan.
In every country, a significant portion of people endorsed a fear of being happy.
Later, researchers confirmed these findings in other places, including the United States and Canada.
“A fear of happiness is often based on the underlying belief that happiness is fragile and does not last,” Kelly writes.
“If you hold this belief,” she notes, “you’re likely to think during a moment of joy that you could lose your happiness, or even anticipate the pain of losing it.
“You might believe that the universe balances good fortune with misfortune, and that letting yourself feel your joy invites a reckoning.”
Feeling joyful can make you feel vulnerable.
“You don’t know when the rug will get pulled out from under you,” Kelly writes. “You might worry that if you get your hopes up, you will get hurt.
“Or if you allow yourself to be too happy, the letdown will be even worse. Instead of acting as a signal that affirms the value of life, joy can act as a warning: Brace yourself for a fall.”
Another reason people resist joy? Worrying can create the illusion of control.
“I’ve had people express the view that denying themselves joy makes them mentally tougher and prepares them for future hardships.”
They may believe that being happy or joyful could distract you from protecting yourself and others from harm. “You might believe that positive emotions make you less attentive to potential threats,” Kelly explains.
Others believe they don’t “deserve” to be happy. “Sometimes,” Kelly observes, “this stems from a feeling that there is some central flaw in who you are that makes you unworthy of love, contentment, pride, or hope.
“Perhaps you’ve been told that it’s selfish to think of your own happiness instead of focusing only on others.”
Or perhaps you feel that being happy while others are suffering isn’t morally right. “If you hold this view, enjoying life can seem selfish and insensitive,” she notes.
“And because suffering is always happening—for someone you love, in your community, and around the world—it can seem like the time is never right to be happy or to express joy.”
If someone you care about is struggling, you might feel it’s important to hold onto emotions that remind you of that loss.
Kelly shares the story of a father who was grieving the loss of his son. In the year following his death, anytime he began to feel happy, despair would rise up inside him. “If I was sad, that was actually in some ways okay,” he told Kelly. “Because it means I didn’t forget him.”
3: Can you relate to one or more of these views yourself?
“Or perhaps,” she observes, “they resonate with you because someone you love, someone you want to be happy, has expressed similar beliefs.”
What do these fears have in common?
“The more strongly you hold them, the more likely you are to resist joy,” Kelly writes.
And resisting joy has consequences.
“Studies conducted around the world show that people who endorse negative beliefs about joy not only experience less happiness; they also experience less meaning and purpose in life,” Kelly writes.
“They are lonelier and less satisfied with their relationships, feel less hopeful about the future, and have less confidence in their ability to shape life for the better.”
Kelly explains that the problem isn’t simply holding these beliefs. It’s how they can lead you to suppress positive emotions.
Instead, she writes, “it’s how these beliefs lead you to engage in strategies to reduce the intensity or frequency of positive emotions. . .
“When you start to feel good, you think or act in ways that minimize those good feelings.”
Psychologists have a name for this behavior: “Joy dampening.”
More tomorrow, when you’ll discover how joy dampening works—and how to overcome it.
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Reflection: Do you ever hold back from feeling joy because you’re afraid it won’t last, you don’t deserve it, or something bad might happen next?
Action: The next time you experience a joyful moment, notice any thoughts that make you want to minimize it. Instead, give yourself permission to enjoy the moment.