1: Consider this.
Has there ever been a time when you received really tough feedback from someone, and you didn’t become defensive?
“Instead, you absorbed the feedback. You reflected on it. You allowed it to influence you,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
What was it about that situation that helped you handle tough feedback so well?
“If you’re like the rest of us, it’s because you believed the other person had your best interest in mind,” the authors note.
You probably respected their opinion and trusted their motives and judgment.
You might not have liked what they said, but you didn’t feel like you had to defend yourself.
“On the other hand, if you don’t feel safe, you can’t take any feedback,” they write. Even well-intended comments are seen as suspicious.
“What do you mean I look good?” you say, “Is that some kind of joke? Are you insulting me?”
Think about that.
It’s not always what you say that makes the other person defensive. Often, it’s whether they feel safe hearing it.
“If you don’t fear that you’re being attacked or humiliated, you yourself can hear almost anything and not become defensive,” the authors explain.
“This is a pretty remarkable claim,” they note.
“If you make it safe enough, you can talk about almost anything.”
So, what causes someone to get defensive?
It happens when they stop feeling safe.
“The problem is not the message,” they write. “The problem is that you and I fail to help others feel safe hearing the message.
“Specifically,” the authors observe, “they begin to speculate about either your respect (‘Is this message a sign of disrespect?’), or your intent (‘Does this message tell me you have malicious motives toward me?’), or both.
“Either way, the problem is not the content of your message, but the condition of the conversation.”
That distinction changes everything.
This goes against something you probably learned as a kid: That you can’t be honest and respectful at the same time.
“In essence, we conclude that there are some messages you just can’t give to some people,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors write.
“And over time, that list of messages gets longer and longer until we find ourselves handling most Crucial Conversations badly.”
2: This means we can have more productive conversations if we learn to notice when people start to feel unsafe.
“That means the first challenge is to simply see and understand that safety is at risk,” the authors explain.
Because then you can take action to fix it.
When the other person moves out of a healthy, productive dialogue, “by either forcing their opinions into the pool or purposely keeping their ideas out of the pool,” they observe, “the best at dialogue immediately turn their attention to why they might not feel safe.”
Gifted communicators “pay attention to the content, and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful. . .
“Dialogue calls for the free flow of meaning—period,” they write.
What stops that flow of meaning? Fear.
“When you fear people aren’t buying into your ideas, you start pushing too hard,” the authors note. “When you fear you may be harmed in some way, you start withdrawing and hiding.
“Both these reactions—fight and flight—are motivated by the same emotion: Fear.”
3: One important distinction: Feeling safe is not the same as feeling comfortable.
“At this point, it is worth noting that feeling safe in a conversation is not synonymous with feeling comfortable,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors write.
“Crucial Conversations are, by definition, hard conversations. You and others have to stretch in these conversations, often venturing into new territory and feeling some degree of vulnerability.”
A conversation isn’t safe just because you feel comfortable.
“It is whether meaning is flowing,” the authors emphasize. “Do you, and others, feel like you can share your meaning, have that meaning heard, and also listen honestly and respectfully to each other?
“If you can do that, if meaning is flowing honestly and respectfully, you know safety is there.”
When you don’t feel safe, your emotions take over, and important parts of your brain stop working.
“When you feel genuinely threatened,” they write, “your peripheral vision actually narrows until you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you.”
When you notice these signs, shift some of your attention away from what is being said to the condition of the conversation itself.
Doing so helps your brain re-engage and allows you to see the bigger picture again.
“When you give yourself a new problem to consider (keep alert for signs that safety is at risk!), you affect your brain functioning,” the authors note.
“Your higher reasoning centers stay more active, and you’re far less likely to be dumbed down and far more likely to succeed in your Crucial Conversations.”
The goal isn’t to make a crucial conversation comfortable. It’s to make it safe enough for both people to say what needs to be said.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Think about a recent difficult conversation. At what point did you or the other person stop feeling safe? What changed?
Action: During your next Crucial Conversation, pay attention to more than the words. Watch for signs of fear, defensiveness, withdrawal, or aggression. If you see them, stop trying to win the argument and focus instead on restoring safety.