Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations. On Friday, I share something about myself or what we are working on at PCI.
I’m always looking for tools and strategies to connect with others on a deeper level. This ability drives success in many aspects of life, including professionally and as a husband, dad, and friend.
For the last several Fridays, we’ve been looking at lessons from Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, the FBI’s former chief hostage negotiator.
Turns out the strategies and tools the FBI uses to negotiate with terrorists and bank robbers are, perhaps surprisingly, relevant to my goal of strengthening key relationships.
Why? Because the FBI’s approach to negotiation is grounded in psychology and counseling. Their strategies are intended to establish rapport, build trust, and create psychological safety.
So far, we’ve covered four lessons:
Lesson #1: Begin with a discovery mindset
Lesson #3: Ask open-ended questions
Today, we turn to three additional tools. Chris emphasizes that “it’s how we are (our general demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest thing to enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence.”
“When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations just seem to flow,” Chris notes. “When we enter a room with a level of comfort and enthusiasm, we attract people toward us. Smile at someone on the street, and as a reflex they’ll smile back.”
Where does Chris focus his attention?
Lesson #5: Use our Voice.
Chris’s “go-to” voice is cheerful and playful. “It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person,” Chris notes. Our “attitude is light and encouraging.
“The key,” he says, “is to relax and smile while we’re talking. A smile, even while talking on the phone, has the impact tonally that the other person will pick up on.”
Lesson #6: Be a Mirror
Mirroring is a neurobehavior humans and other animals use to “copy each other to comfort each other,” Chris notes.
Once we are aware of it, Chris predicts we will see it everywhere: “Couples walking on the street with their steps in perfect synchrony; friends in conversation at a park, both nodding their heads and crossing the legs at about the same time. These people are, in a word, connected.”
We can mirror with body language, vocabulary, tempo, speech patterns, and tone of voice. However, Chris focuses specifically on the words we use.
To mirror, we simply repeat back the last three words that the other person has said in the form of a question.
The mindset we want to adopt when we mirror is, “Please help me understand.”
The other person will typically expand upon what was just said with greater clarity while maintaining the connection.
When we ask someone, “What do you mean by that?” we typically prompt defensiveness. In contrast, when we mirror, we signal respect and concern for what the other person is saying.
Lesson #7: Labeling: Name it to Tame it
Labeling is naming the emotion the other person is feeling.
“We don’t just put ourselves in the fugitives’ shoes. We spot their feelings, turn them into words, and then very calmly and respectfully repeat their emotions back to them,” Chris writes.
This approach is especially powerful when the other person is angry or stressed. We ignore negative emotions at our peril. Instead, our goal is to help tease them out.
“Labeling an emotion—applying rational words to a fear—disrupts its raw intensity,” Chris writes.
To label effectively, we begin by identifying the other person’s emotions. Then, we label it using one of three statements: “It seems like…” Or “It sounds like…” Or “It looks like…”
Then, we create space for them to respond. We listen. Silence is important.
The other person will then respond, either agreeing or disagreeing. And if they disagree with the label, that’s okay. Doing so allows them to clarify what they are actually feeling.
I’m looking forward to practicing these approaches in the week ahead.
More next week!
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Action: Look for an opportunity to experiment with using my voice, mirroring, and labeling. Today!
Reflection: What did I learn? Is there anything I’ll do differently next time?