Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations. On Friday, I share something about myself or what we are working on at PCI.
Summertime is here. For many of us, it’s a time to connect with family, friends, and neighbors. Whether it’s visits to the swimming pool, a backyard BBQ, or maybe a summer vacation, we can spend time with people we love or care about.
It’s a great time to build relationships and create memories. Over the next couple of Fridays, I’ll share ideas about connecting with others on a deeper level from Chris Voss, former lead FBI hostage and author of Never Split the Difference.
Turns out these lessons apply to more than just negotiation. Chris writes that the FBI tried out “both new and old therapeutic techniques developed by the counseling profession,” he writes. “These counseling skills were aimed at developing positive relationships with people by demonstrating an understanding of what they’re going through and how they feel about it.”
We can apply his ideas and best practices to help us have better and deeper conversations.
Lesson #1: Begin with a discovery mindset
We aim to be “present and alert in the moment,” he writes. We are intentional about “using all the new information that comes [our] way.”
The trap we all too often fall into? Tunnel vision. Allowing our impatience or arrogance to lock us into one way of thinking. Instead, we are deliberate about remaining open emotionally to all possibilities.
Another trap? Instead of listening to what the other person is saying, we think about what we will say next.
“It’s the voices in our own heads that are overwhelming,” Chris writes.
In one of the most cited research papers in psychology, George A. Miller found that the human brain, at any given moment, can only process about seven pieces of information in our conscious mind. Â
“In other words, we are easily overwhelmed,” Chris notes.
When we are focused on what we want to say and our point of view, we miss out on all the cues and available information the other person is sharing, consciously and unconsciously.
Chris calls it “a state of schizophrenia: everyone just listening to the voice in their head (and not well, because they’re doing seven or eight other things at the same time).”
Instead, we slow down. We focus all our attention on the other person. And we listen.
Lesson #2: Be Empathetic
Empathy is about paying attention to the other person and being curious about their feelings. Our goal is to better understand their world.
Many times, we are focused on what we are thinking. We become locked into our perspective.
“Getting to this level of emotional intelligence demands opening up our senses, talking less, and listening more,” Chris writes.
We “can learn almost everything we need—and a lot more than other people would like us to know—simply by watching and listening, keeping our eyes peeled and our ears open, and our mouth shut.”
More next week!
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Action: Practice being empathetic in a conversation today. Focus on understanding what the other person wants.
Reflection: What did I learn after taking the action? Is there anything I’ll do differently next time?
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