1: It’s called the “Fools’ Choice.”
“Kevin, his peers, and their boss were deciding on a new location for their offices—would they move across town, across the state, or across the country?” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Two of the company’s leaders presented their case for their preferred choices. Which generated lots of questions from others on the leadership team.
“No vague claim went unclarified, no unsupported reasoning unquestioned,” the authors write.
Then Chris, the CEO, shared his preference—”one that was both unpopular and potentially disastrous.”
Several leadership team members spoke up. The CEO responded poorly.
“Since he was the big boss,” they note, “he didn’t exactly have to browbeat people to get what he wanted. Instead, he became slightly defensive.
“First he raised an eyebrow. Then he raised his finger. Finally he raised his voice—just a little. It wasn’t long until people stopped questioning him, and Chris’s inadequate proposal was quietly accepted.”
But actually, that’s not what happened.
Then, Kevin spoke up.
“Hey, Chris, can I check something out with you?”
He then skillfully shared some concerns. “In the next few minutes he in essence told the CEO that he appeared to be violating his own decision-making guidelines,” the authors state. “He was subtly using his power to move the new offices to his hometown.”
When Kevin was finished, the CEO paused.
Then Chris nodded his head. “You’re absolutely right,” he said. “I have been trying to force my opinion on you. Let’s back up and try again.”
“This was a Crucial Conversation, and Kevin played no games whatsoever,” the authors observe.
“He didn’t resort to silence like his colleagues, nor did he try to force his arguments on others,” they write. “Somehow he managed to achieve absolute candor, but he did so in a way that showed deep respect for Chris.”
They write: “It was a remarkable thing to watch. As a result, the team chose a far more effective location, and Kevin’s boss appreciated his caring coaching.”
As the meeting concluded, one of the other leadership team members turned to the authors and said, “Did you see how he did that? If you want to know how he gets things done, figure out what he just did.”
And that’s what they did. “In fact, we spent the next 30 years discovering what Kevin and people like him do,” they write.
The big takeaway from the meeting above? Kevin avoided the “Fool’s Choice.”
“Kevin’s contribution was not his insight,” the authors explain. “Almost everyone could see what was happening. People knew they were allowing themselves to be steamrolled into making a bad decision.”
They believed they had to make a choice between two bad alternatives:
Option 1. “Speak up and turn the most powerful person in the company into their sworn enemy.”
Option 2. “Suffer in silence and make a bad decision that might ruin the company.”
It turns out there is a third option.
“You’ll find there is a way to share your concerns, listen sincerely to those of others, and build the relationship—all at the same time,” the authors note.
“And the results can be life changing.”
2: The lesson begins early in life.
What happens when Grandma serves you a big slice of her famous Brussels-sprouts pie à la mode and then asks, “Do you like it?”
When you tell her it’s not your favorite, you can see the hurt on her face.
What she was really asking was, “Do you like me?”
The lesson you learn: “From this day forward, I will be alert for moments when I must choose between candor and kindness.”
You just made the Fool’s Choice. You now believe you must choose between telling the truth and being kind.
Once again, there is a third option: Dialogue.
“When it comes to Crucial Conversations,” the authors observe, “skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open.
“That’s it. At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of information. People openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.
“They willingly and capably share their views,” they write, “even when their ideas are controversial or unpopular.
“It’s the one thing that Kevin and the other extremely effective communicators we studied were routinely able to achieve.”
So, how do they do it?
They create dialogue—the free flow of meaning between two or more people.
“People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add meaning to the shared pool—even ideas that at first glance appear controversial or wrong.”
Does everyone agree with everything that is said? Obviously, no.
“When two or more of us enter Crucial Conversations, by definition we don’t share the same pool,” they note. “Our opinions differ. I believe one thing; you another. I have one history; you another.”
“People simply do their best to ensure that all ideas find their way into the open,” they observe.
3: “What do I really want?”
That is the key question we explored yesterday to ask yourself during a Crucial Conversation.
What do I really want for myself? For others? For the relationship?
“As you practice presenting this question to yourself at emotional times, you’ll discover that at first you resist it,” they predict. “When our brain isn’t functioning well, we resist complexity. It seems, well, complex!”
It’s tempting to simply choose between hiding and attacking.
You even take pride in doing so, as in: “I’m sorry, but I just had to destroy her self-image if I was going to keep my integrity. It wasn’t pretty, but it was the right thing to do.”
When you refuse the Fool’s Choice and challenge your brain to solve a more complex problem, more often than not, it does just that.
“Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option.”
Those who excel at dialogue search for what the authors call the elusive “and.”
They refuse Fool’s Choice by searching for new choices. Rather than settle for “either/or,” they seek the ever-elusive “and.”
Here’s what you do:
Begin by clarifying what you really want.
“If you know what you want for yourself, for others, and for the relationship, then you’re in position to break out of the Fool’s Choice,” they note.
Here’s an example: “What I want is to engage in community discussion about a curriculum that impacts all our kids. I want our group of parents to be able to share candidly and listen to one another.”
Next, understand what you don’t want.
“This is the key to framing the and question,” the authors explain. “What bad thing will happen if you stop pushing so hard? Or if you don’t try to escape? What horrible outcome makes game playing an attractive and sensible option?”
Another example: “What I don’t want is to have people shut down because one person is dominating the discussion thread and throwing insults. I also don’t want our honest difference to lead to damaged relationships.”
Then, combine what you want and don’t want into an “and” question that forces you to search for more creative and productive options than silence or violence: “How can we have a candid conversation and strengthen our relationships?”
What happens when people are presented with “and” questions after being stuck with Fool’s Choices?
“Their faces become reflective,” the authors observe, “their eyes open wider, and they begin to think.”
When you ask people whether it’s possible to achieve both, they often acknowledge that there very well may be.
When you ask, “Is there a way to tell your peer your real concerns and not insult or offend him?”
The answer is often: Yes.
Or, “Is there a way to talk to your neighbors about their annoying behavior and not come across as self-righteous or demanding?”
The answer is often: Yes.
Or, “Is there a way to talk with your loved one about how you’re spending money and not get into an argument?”
The answer is often: Yes.
That’s what happens when you “clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.”
More tomorrow.
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Reflection: Where in my life am I trapped in an “either/or” mindset instead of searching for the elusive “and”?
Action: Think about one difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding. Clarify what you do want, what you don’t want, and then ask yourself an “and” question that opens the door to dialogue.