1: You know when the other guy is overstating his point.
You feel it when someone shuts down and stops participating in the conversation.
You sense when someone tightens their jaw and begins pointing their finger.
What do you fail to notice?
“Your eye roll. Your head shake. Your sneer,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
As Shakespeare once wrote: “The eye sees everything but itself.”
2: Yesterday, we looked at the three elements of what the authors call a “crucial conversation:”
- The stakes are high
- Opinions vary
- Emotions run strong
So, what’s the first thing that goes wrong in a crucial conversation?
It “is not your behavior; it’s your motive,” they write.
You hold onto your “stated” motive, missing what your behavior shows about your “true” motive.
What’s worse? “You can rarely see it happening,” the authors explain.
What about those who perform at their best when the conversation takes a turn for the worse?
They write: “One of the most important lessons we’ve learned from those who do their best during crucial moments is that it all begins with you.”
It starts with getting your heart right.
The first step is to stop believing that others are the cause of all your problems.
News flash. You can’t change someone else’s behavior. You can, however, with effort and practice, change yourself.
“As much as others may need to change, or you may want them to change,” the authors note, “the only person you can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.
“Skilled people start with heart,” they write. “That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused on those motives no matter what happens.”
Doing so isn’t easy, the authors warn. Especially “when you’re in the thrall of strong emotions talking about things that matter deeply to you with those who disagree vehemently.”
This level of self-mastery requires substantial effort.
“You can’t simply highlight an inspiring paragraph in a book and walk away changed,” they note. “Instead, you’ll need to start by taking a long, hard look at yourself.
Yet, people can change. You can change.
“We’ve taught these conversation skills to millions around the world and have seen dramatic improvements in results and relationships.”
You begin by focusing on your heart. “Start with heart is the foundation of dialogue,” the authors state. “Change begins with your heart.”
3: Imagine a situation where you are speaking with someone who completely disagrees with you on an issue that’s important to you.
“Start by examining your motives,” the Crucial Conversations authors tell us. “Ask yourself what you really want. . . [You must be] steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what you want.”
Then, “despite constant impulses to slip away from your goals, you stick with them.”
What’s happening to your objectives as you find yourself giving your partner the cold shoulder or deferring to your boss?
“Are you starting to worry more about saving face, avoiding embarrassment, winning, being right, or punishing others?” they ask.
The tricky part? This occurs without any conscious thought on your part.
“When adrenaline does your thinking for you, your motives flow with the chemical tide,” the authors state.
When emotions are high, two things are true.
First, you don’t choose the motive; it chooses you.
Second, “if you can see it, you can change it,” they write.
“The first step to getting back to a healthy motive is to become aware of the one that’s possessing you,” the authors explain.
“This is harder than it might seem. In our adrenaline-drunk, dumbed-down state, we’re often not very skillful at subtle self-awareness.”
What to do?
“Look for clues. Discern your motives from the outside in. In order to move back to motives that allow for dialogue, you must step away from the interaction and look at yourself—much like an outsider would.”
As you see your behavior, you may conclude, “Let’s see. I’m cutting people off, overstating my points, and shaking my head every time they talk.
“Aha!” you say, “I’ve shifted from planning a great vacation to winning an argument.”
Once you notice “the shifting desires of your heart,” you can make a different choice.
“The fastest way to free yourself of a hurtful motive,” the authors note, “is to simply admit you’ve got it.”
It’s yet another powerful example of “Name it to tame it.”
Now that you are aware, you ask: “What do I really want?”
For myself? For others? For the relationship?
“Once you’re free of the lower motive, healthy answers will come quickly and easily,” they predict. As in, “What I really want is for us to all feel great about the vacation spot we choose.”
Once you’ve asked and answered the question, “What do I really want,” you can layer on another powerful question: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?”
These questions help you refocus your brain.
“The reason they are so potent is that they help massage the higher reasoning centers of your brain back into activity, calming the fight-or-flight instinct,” the authors explain.
“When you pose complex and abstract questions to yourself,” they note, “the problem-solving part of your brain recognizes that you are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats.”
Another tip? Add the phrase “in the long term” to the end of these questions.
“What do I really want in the long term?” prompts you to shift your focus from the immediate situation to a deeper consideration of who you want to be:
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- How do I want to treat others?
- How do I need to show up in this conversation in order to be that kind of person?
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When difficult conversations become emotional, do I stay focused on what I truly want—or do I drift toward winning, protecting myself, or proving I’m right?
Action: During my next difficult conversation, pause and ask myself: “What do I really want—for myself, for the other person, and for the relationship?”