1: Psychologist John Gottman can predict who will eventually get divorced a stunning 94 percent of the time.
In a pioneering 1992 study, John and his team interviewed fifty-two married couples.
They asked each couple “a variety of questions about how they met, why they decided to get married, and what changes their relationships had been through and observed them as they took part in a fifteen-minute discussion about a current area of relationship conflict,” Sahil Bloom writes in his book The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life.
Based on these brief interviews and observations, the psychologists were able to predict with 94 percent accuracy which couples would stay together and which would separate within three years of the study.
Incredible.
2: The couples who did not make it consistently utilized four communication styles that Dr. Gottman describes as “the Four Horsemen,” a reference to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Communication Style #1—Criticism: “While articulating a complaint is fair game and necessary for a healthy relationship,” Sahil writes, “Dr. Gottman defined criticism as an ad hominem attack on the other person.”
Communication Style #2—Defensiveness: “In response to criticism, most people will try to protect themselves through defensive strategies with excuses,” he observes.
“When we are defensive, we fail to be accountable for our failures and actions.”
Communication Style #3—Contempt: “Treating the partner with disrespect, attacking the person’s character and core. Dr. Gottman’s research revealed contempt to be the single greatest predictor of divorce,” Sahil writes.
Communication Style #4—Stonewalling: “In response to contempt, one or both partners may simply shut down, preferring to entirely evade engagement on the issue,” he notes.
3: There is an old Buddhist parable that goes like this. The Buddha asks his student, “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful?” according to an old Buddhist parable.
The student nods yes.
The Buddha asks, “If a person is struck by a second arrow, is that even more painful?”
Once again, the student nods yes.
The Buddha then explains, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow—the bad thing that happens. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the bad thing, and that second arrow is optional.”
The first arrow is the negative event that happens—”the chaos, pain, challenges, and complexity that threaten to derail us,” Sahil writes, “to take us out of the game. It hits and it hurts.
“But the second arrow is our response to the first,” he notes, “and as the parable teaches us, we can avoid being struck by the second arrow; it is entirely within your control.
Accordingly, when we notice one of the four horsemen appearing during a discussion, we can choose a set of “antidotes” that Dr. Gottman and his team have identified.
Antidote to criticism: Called the gentle start-up. “Focus on a complaint without blame,” Sahil writes, “by avoiding the word you and focusing on the word I.
“This reframe avoids blame,” he notes, “and focuses instead on what you feel or need from your partner.”
Antidote to defensiveness: Take responsibility. “Acknowledge and accept our partner’s perspective,” Sahil explains, “and offer an apology for actions or behaviors that created the perspective.”
Antidote to contempt: Build a culture of appreciation: “Create a regular reminder of our partner’s positive traits, actions, or behaviors,” he writes, “and ground ourselves in gratitude for these features.”
Antidote to stonewalling: Physiological self-soothing. We can “pause and take a break,” Sahil observes. “Spend that time engaged in a soothing, distracting, or relaxing activity, like walking, breathing mindfully, or sitting with our eyes closed.”
Sahil writes: “Developing an understanding of the common traps on the journey and learning how to avoid them has been a huge positive for my wife’s and my relationship. I’m certain it will be one for yours as well.”
More tomorrow!
Reflection: Am I watching for the signs of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling in my communication—or am I open to learning new ways to strengthen connection and trust?
Action: The next time conflict or tension arises, experiment with one Gottman antidote—like a gentle start-up or self-soothing—and observe how it shifts the interaction.
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