Rabbi Harold Kushner‘s son, Aaron, died when he was fourteen of a rare aging disease.
Harold has “spent the years since reflecting on how the tragedy has shaped him, and studying how other people are remade by their sufferings. “David Brooks writes in his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.
“I am a more sensitive person, a more effective pastor, a more sympathetic counselor because of Aaron’s life and death than I would ever have been without it,” Harold reflects.
“And I would give up all those gains in a second if I could have my son back. If I could choose, I would forgo all the spiritual growth and depth which has come my way because of our experiences… But I cannot choose.”
John Stuart Mill once wrote that human beings “are under a moral obligation to seek the improvement of our moral character.”
But how do we identify the attributes of a good person? And how can we make ourselves morally better? How do we cultivate good character?
“One tradition has come down to us through the centuries,” David notes. “We might call it the warrior/statesman model of good character.
“According to this model, a person of character,” he writes, “looks like one of the ancient heroes, such as Pericles or Alexander the Great, or one of the more modern ones, like George Washington, Charles de Gaulle, or George C. Marshall.”
All humans are “divided creatures,” David observes. “We have these primitive, powerful forces within us—passions such as lust, rage, fear, greed, and ambition. But people also possess reason, which they can use to control, tame, and regulate those passions.”
With this model, our job is to exercise enough willpower to control our passions. Our goal here is self-mastery.
“Developing your character is like going to the gym,” David observes, “working through exercise and habit to strengthen a set of universal virtues: honesty, courage, determination, and humility. In this mode, character building is something you can do on your own.”
David takes a different approach—a different ideal and a different theory—to build good character.
“This book has been built around the Illuminator ideal,” he writes. “The Illuminator ideal begins with a different understanding of human nature. People are social animals. People need recognition from others if they are to thrive. People long for someone to look into their eyes with loving acceptance.”
Becoming a good person is “mostly about the small, daily acts of building connection,” he observes, “the gaze that says ‘I respect you,’ the question that says ‘I’m curious about you,’ the conversation that says, ‘We’re in this together.'”
As illuminators, we can’t do this work by ourselves.
“Morality is a social practice. It is trying to be generous and considerate toward a specific other person,” he notes.
“A person of character is trying to be generous and just to the person who is criticizing him. He is trying to just be present and faithful to the person suffering from depression. He is trying to be a deep and caring friend to the person who is trying to overcome the wounds left by childhood. He is a helpful sounding board to the person who is rebuilding her models after losing a spouse or child.
“Character building happens as we get better at these kinds of tasks,” he suggests.
As illuminators, we focus not on our willpower but on our ability to connect deeply with others.
The other benefit of this approach? “We learn to get outside our self-serving ways of perceiving,” David writes. As Iris Murdoch wrote, “virtue is the attempt to pierce the veil of selfish consciousness and join the world as it really is.”
This way of living is “austere,” he reflects. “Its exemplars are not best captured by marble sculptures of men on horseback. The Illuminator model is social, humble, understanding, and warm.”
“The Illuminator is not just there to see the depths of our pain, she’s there to see our strengths, to celebrate with us in our triumphs.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: What parts of David’s approach to good character resonate with me?
Action: Share David’s Illuminator model with a family member or friend.
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