1: Things aren’t going well between Oba and Mari.
They’re about to have a crucial conversation, one where the stakes are high, opinions differ, and emotions run strong.
Oba: “Mari, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night—you know, when you got home late from work and went straight to our room?”
Mari: “Oh, you mean Friday night when you were sitting on the couch rather than doing chores in the house? That Friday night?”
Oba: “Hey, I was waiting for you to get home so we could spend some time together.”
Mari: “Sure, you were waiting for me all right. Waiting for me to do everything around here that needs to be done. When are you going to start carrying your share of the load around here?”
Oba gets up and walks out.
So what happened here? Why did Mari get defensive right away?
“Because she assumed Oba was bringing up this topic so that he could criticize her for her behavior,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Oba started the conversation by mentioning that Mari went straight to her room. “It’s no surprise that Mari felt unsafe,” the authors note.
2: What if, instead, he said: “Mari, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night. I love you, and I want to make sure we’re talking about things that impact our relationship, because our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. I’m sure there are things you’d like me to change, and I want to understand those as well as share concerns I have. Could we talk?”
This is what the authors mean by “sharing your good intent.” This is one of the four skills the authors list for having effective dialogue, even with people who are difficult or different.
Why is it so important to show good intent? If people aren’t sure what you mean, they often assume the worst.
The authors say: “When you start the conversation by sharing your good intent, you lay the foundation for safety.”
Does this mean the other person won’t get defensive as the conversation goes on?
Of course not. “But it does give you the touchstone you need to return to again and again when safety is at risk,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors write.
Sharing your good intent is the first of four skills the authors recommend for maintaining safety in difficult conversations.
3: A second skill for effective dialogue? Knowing when to apologize.
“When you’ve made a mistake that has hurt others, start with an apology,” the authors suggest.
They define an apology as “a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing—or at least not preventing—pain or difficulty to others.”
Imagine that the division vice president is coming to your plant for a tour.
“Part of the tour includes a visit with the members of the quality team, who have recently put some new process improvements in place,” the authors write.
“The team members are excited and have worked all night prepping for the VIP tour.”
But just as you are about to lead the VP over to the quality area, she drops a bomb. She tells you about her new production plan that you believe will hurt quality and scare customers.
“Since you only have another hour with the VP, you choose to talk through the issue rather than conduct the tour,” they write. “Your future depends on this particular conversation. Fortunately, you and the VP are able to come to agreement on a new plan.”
You feel relieved as you watch the VP leave the plant.
But you forgot to tell the team. The team that had worked all night preparing for the visit.
Walking back to your office, you see the quality team.
“Bleary-eyed and disappointed, all six team members are fuming,” Joseph and Kerry write. “No visit, no phone call, and now it’s clear from the way you were sprinting past them that you weren’t even going to stop and offer a simple explanation.”
Uh-oh.
A crucial conversation is about to occur.
“We pulled an all-nighter, and you didn’t even bother to come by!” the team leader says. “Not even a text message to tell us something came up. Thanks a lot.”
The quality team is angry. “They feel disrespected,” the authors note, “despite the fact that you weren’t trying to be disrespectful.”
But you don’t acknowledge how they are feeling. You don’t rebuild safety.
“I had to choose between the future of the company and a facility tour,” you tell them. “I chose our future, and I’d do it again if I had to.”
Why do you respond this way? Because now you feel disrespected, too. They’ve attacked you, you tell yourself.
Now everyone is fighting for respect, and the conversation is spiraling downward.
So what should you do?
“Instead of getting hooked and fighting back, break the cycle,” the authors suggest. “See their aggressive behavior for what it is—a sign of violated safety—then step out of the conversation and rebuild safety by restoring respect.”
You start by acknowledging the mistake and apologizing for the disrespect the team experienced, even though you never intended it.
“I’m sorry I didn’t give you a call when I learned that we wouldn’t be coming by. You worked all night,” you say. “It would have been a wonderful chance to showcase your improvements, and I didn’t even explain to you what happened. I apologize.”
A true apology requires a real change in your motives. “You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want,” the authors note.
“You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results.”
Next time, we’ll explore the other two skills for effective dialogue: Using contrast to clear up misunderstandings and creating a mutual purpose.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When a difficult conversation goes wrong, could the other person be misunderstanding your intentions, or feeling hurt by something you haven’t acknowledged?
Action: Before your next difficult conversation, clearly communicate your good intentions. If you’ve made a mistake that hurt someone, acknowledge it and offer a sincere apology.