1: Ben Horowitz had been set up on a blind date by his friend and high school football teammate Claude Shaw.
It was the summer of 1986, and Ben had just finished his sophomore year of college at Columbia University and was living in Los Angeles with his father.
This would be a double date, and Ben and Claude decided to prepare an elaborate dinner for Claude’s girlfriend, Jackie Williams, and her friend, Felicia Wiley, who was Ben’s date.
“We meticulously planned and cooked all day and had the entire meal, including four perfectly presented T-bone steaks, ready at 7 p.m.—date time,” Ben writes in his book The Hard Thing About Hard Things: Building a Business When There Are No Easy Answers.
Everything was ready. Except there were no dates.
“An hour passed,” Ben recalls, “but we didn’t get too worked up. Jackie was known for her tardiness, so no worries.
“Then two hours passed, and Claude called for a status check.
“I listened in shock as I looked over the now-cold gourmet meal that we’d prepared. My date, Felicia, had decided that she was ‘too tired’ to show up for the date.
“Wow. How obnoxious!” Ben remembers thinking.
“I told Claude to hand me the phone. I introduced myself: ‘Hi, this is Ben, your blind date.”
Felicia: “I am sorry, but I am tired and it is late.”
Ben: “Well, it is late, because you are late.”
Felicia: “I know, but I am just too tired to come over.”
Ugh.
2: Ben grew up in Berkeley, California. He was a top-notch student.
“I wasn’t expected to join the Berkeley High School football team,” he remembers, “but that’s what I did.
“I was the only kid on the football team who was also on the highest academic track in math,” he writes, “so my teammates and I didn’t see each other in many classes.
“As a result, I ended up moving in multiple social circles and hanging out with kids with very different outlooks on the world.
He recalls thinking how different perspectives change one’s view of the world.
Example one: “When Run-D.M.C.’s Hard Times album came out, with its relentless bass drum, it sent an earthquake through the football team,” Ben writes, “but not even a ripple through my calculus class.
Example two: “Ronald Reagan’s Strategic Defense Initiative was considered an outrage among young scientists due to its questionable technical foundation,” he observes, “but those aspects went unnoticed at football practice.
“Looking at the world through such different prisms helped me separate facts from perception,” Ben explains.
What appears to be true on the surface is not always the reality.
“Until we make the effort to get to know someone or something,” he writes, “we don’t know anything. “Following conventional wisdom and relying on shortcuts can be worse than knowing nothing at all.
“In particularly dire circumstances when the ‘facts’ seemed to dictate a certain outcome, I learned to look for alternative narratives and explanations coming from radically different perspectives to inform my outlook.”
3: Looking back, Ben believes this capability was one of the reasons he became a successful entrepreneur and CEO.
But the ability to take on a new perspective would also prove helpful at that moment, back in Los Angeles, when his blind date, Felicia, was too tired to come over.
When all else fails, we can always try empathy.
Ben: “Well, I understand your predicament, but the time to communicate this message would have been before we spent all day cooking dinner. At this point, anything short of getting into your car and driving here immediately would be rude and leave a permanently poor impression.”
Ben recalls thinking: “If she was totally self-centered (as she appeared to be), my plea would have no effect, and I would be better off missing the date.
“On the other hand, if she didn’t want to go out like that, then there might be something there.”
Felicia: “Okay, I’ll come over.”
Another hour passed. The doorbell rang. Felicia “arrived wearing white shorts and looking as pretty as can be,” Ben remembers.
“In all my focus and anticipation about the date, I had completely forgotten about the fistfight I’d been in the day before.”
Ben had gotten punched after standing up for his brother during a pick-up basketball game.
“Felicia’s award-winning green eyes immediately fixed on the welt under my eye,” he writes. “Her first impression (told to me years later): ‘This guy is a thug. Coming here was a big mistake.'”
But all’s well that ends well.
“Fortunately, neither of us relied on our first impressions,” Ben writes. “We have been happily married for nearly twenty-five years and have three wonderful children.”
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When first impressions feel negative or frustrating, how willing am I to pause, shift perspectives, and look for a deeper story?
Action: Recall a recent situation where a first impression shaped my judgment. Revisit it intentionally this week, seeking an alternative narrative informed by empathy and additional perspective.
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