1: Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations. On Friday, I share something about myself or what we are working on at PCI.
This week we’ve been exploring David Brooks‘s insights on grief as outlined in his book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.
In 2018, my late wife Julie died after a battle with neuroendocrine cancer. Here are some of my reflections on grief and the grieving process.
People are generally fearful of bringing up the person who passed away. Perhaps they think doing so will upset the grieving person or make them cry.
In my experience, I welcomed the opportunity to talk about Julie. I appreciated it when people shared stories or memories or asked me questions. Yes, I was incredibly sad. But talking about her really helped.
2: I am also so glad I spoke at the service celebrating Julie’s life. I’ve now given four eulogies—for my dad, for my mom, for my father-in-law, and for Julie. In each instance, I found it very beneficial.
Each time, gathering my thoughts and feelings, writing them down, and then sharing them during the service was healing. I was able to honor each person by sharing what I loved about them, what I had learned from them, and what I would miss about them. This experience was very therapeutic and provided some sense of closure.
I also put together a book to celebrate Julie’s life. At the time of her passing, we had three daughters (9, 11, and 22), and I wanted to capture as much as I could so they could remember her.
When Julie was diagnosed with cancer, a friend of mine shared his experience of interviewing his father before his passing. He recommended a book, 300 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before It’s Too Late, which I purchased. I then customized the questions to our particular situation. During the eleven months while Julie was sick, I would periodically get out my iPhone, ask her questions, and record her answers.
Later, I had the audio files transcribed. After she died, I also sent an email to each of her friends and asked for any stories or memories they wanted to share with our daughters. I then added some photos. I worked on this project after the girls went to bed and on the weekends. It gave me something to do, and I found the entire process to be healing and therapeutic.
3: The final thing I learned during this difficult time was the value of grief counseling. About six months after Julie died, my daughters and I attended a 13-week grief recovery program at a local church. There were separate programs for adults and kids.
Being around others who had lost loved ones was helpful because they were going through what I was going through. The circumstances of each situation varied, but the feelings of loss and sadness were the same. Being able to share and listen to others experiencing what I was experiencing was very comforting and worthwhile.
More next week.
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Reflection: What has been my experience with grief? What was helpful to me?
Action: Journal about my answers to the questions above.
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