1: “I’m a fixer,” Sahil Bloom writes in his book, The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life..
“When people come to me with problems, my bias is to try to fix them.”
Professionally, this can be a good thing.
“But when I bring this bias into my relationships,” Sahil observes, “the results can be decidedly mixed.
“Over the years, my fix-it mentality led to a lot of tense moments with my wife, family, and friends. They’d come to me with a problem, and I would immediately start deconstructing the situation and offering potential solutions.”
Sahil found it perplexing when the other person wasn’t interested in his suggestions. He recalls several situations where the other person withdrew or even became angry at him for telling them what he thought they should do.
“What I came to realize (after far too long) was this, sometimes people don’t want us to fix it,” he notes. “They just want us to be there with them.”
2: Enter the “helped, heard, or hugged” methodology recommended by therapists, teachers, and counselors.
Which is “immensely helpful in improving our handling of these everyday relationship situations,” Sahil writes.
Why? Because it enables us to provide others with what they want and need.
“When someone we love comes to us with a problem, we simply ask, ‘Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?'” Sahil writes.
“Helped” means working with the other person to “deconstruct the problem and identify potential solutions,” he explains.
This is Sahil’s natural tendency, and the “fix-it mentality” can be immensely helpful in certain circumstances.
But not all situations.
If the other person wants to be “heard,” we just listen, ask questions, and allow them to talk or vent or express what it is they want to say.
If they want to be “hugged,” we provide comforting physical touch.
“Touch is a powerful love language for many (including my wife),” Sahil writes. “Sometimes people just want to feel your presence with them.”
3: Simply asking the “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged” question creates dialog and ultimately a two-way awareness of what is needed in the situation.
“This awareness snapped me out of my fixer default setting,” Sahil writes. “Rather than showing up for loved ones in the way that was convenient and natural for me, I was forced to meet others in the way that was the best suited for them.”
With time, patterns will emerge, and we will likely be able to sense what the other person needs without asking the ‘helped, heard, or hugged’ question.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Do I default too quickly to trying to “fix” others’ problems instead of pausing to understand what they really need from me?
Action: Practice asking loved ones whether they want to be helped, heard, or hugged the next time they share a challenge with me.
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