1: It’s Monday. We are off and running. Each of us is experiencing a sequence of different events and situations.
“Each scene, of course, has its own script,” Barbara Fredrickson writes in her powerful book Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do.
“For perhaps most of our day,” she notes, we’re “pretty much caught up in our own thoughts and plans, oblivious to the presence or feelings of anyone nearby.”
But then there are those moments when we connect with someone. Perhaps we share a smile, a giggle, a shared passion, or a powerful story.
In these moments, Barbara writes, we become attuned and experience “a genuine care and concern for the other.”
2: What’s happening in our brains during these moments?
Breakthrough research by Uri Hasson and his team at Princeton University shows that when good communication like this occurs, we and the other person experience brain coupling, where “two individuals come to feel a single, shared emotion. . . , one that is distributed across their two brains.”
Which gives new meaning to the phrase “a meeting of the minds.”
Uri’s research “uncovered far more extensive neuronal coupling than previously imagined,” she writes. “Far from being isolated to one or two brain areas, really ‘clicking’ with someone else appears to be a whole brain dance in a fully mirrored room. The reflections between the two of us are that penetrating and widespread.”
Barbara refers to this neural coupling as “a micro-moment of love.” When we truly connect with another person, love reverberates between us.
Within these micro-moments, we and the other person “are on the same wavelength,” she writes. “As our respective brain waves mirror one another, each of us—moment by moment—changes the other’s mind.”
Our brain “syncs up” with the other person’s brain.
“Shared emotions, brain synchrony, and mutual understanding emerge together,” she writes.
“Once two people understand each other—really ‘get’ each other in any given moment—the benevolent concerns and actions of mutual care can flow forth unimpeded.”
Is there a pre-condition that must be present for us to experience this connection?
Yes. We must be experiencing positive emotions.
“When we’re feeling bad—afraid, anxious, or angry—even our best friend can seem pretty remote or separate from us,” Barbara writes. “The same goes for when we’re feeling nothing in particular.”
However, when we experience positive emotions, “our sense of self actually expands to include others to greater degrees,” she notes. “Our best friend, in these lighthearted moments, simply seems like a bigger part of us.
In fact, the science shows that we are experiencing positive emotions, “our awareness expands,” Barbara writes, “from our habitual focus on ‘me’ to a more generous focus on ‘we.’ “
3: Positive emotions are a prerequisite for connection with another person. But once this connection has been established, we now open ourselves up to feeling the full range of emotions the other is experiencing.
Which is what happens. With one other pre-condition.
A brain imaging study conducted by scientists in Taipei, Taiwan shows “the self-other overlap at the neuronal level,” Barbara writes.
“Imagine for a moment being a participant in this study. While we are in the fMRI brain scanner, the researchers show us a number of short, animated scenes and ask us to picture ourselves in these scenes.
“Some of these scenes depict painful events, like dropping something heavy on your toe or getting your fingers pinched in a closing door.”
When we imagine these painful experiences, a well-known network in our brain, including the insula, lights up.
What happens when the researchers ask us to imagine these painful events occurring to a loved one?
These same brain areas are activated. “At the level of brain activity during imagined pain, we and our beloved are virtually indistinguishable,” Barbara observes.
Our brains react differently, however, when we are asked to imagine these distressing events happening to complete strangers.
Here, “a different pattern of activation emerges altogether,” she notes, “one that shows little activation in the insula and more activation in areas linked with distinguishing and distancing ourselves from others, and actively inhibiting or regulating emotions as if to prevent their pain from becoming your pain.”
More tomorrow.
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Reflection: What lessons can I take from Barbara’s work to experience more micro-moments of connection in my life?
Action: Discuss with a family member, friend, or colleague.
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