Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about.
Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations. On Friday, I share something about myself or what we are working on at PCI.
What’s the most stressful situation in which to build a relationship?
A hostage crisis would rank near the top of the list.
This week, we’ve been exploring the ideas in David Brooks‘s wonderful book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply.
Chris Voss spent 24 years at the FBI, where he served as the Bureau’s lead international kidnapping negotiator. His ideas and lessons are quite different than David’s.
But both writers can teach us something about connecting with others, having better conversations, and building stronger relationships.
Here are seven ideas from Chris’s book Never Split the Difference.
Idea #1: Begin with a discovery mindset. At the start of every conversation, we are “best served by holding multiple hypotheses—about the situation, about the counterpart’s wants, about a whole array of variables—in our mind at the same time,” Chris writes.
A trap to avoid? Tunnel vision: Allowing our arrogance or impatience to lock us into one way of thinking. Instead, we remain open emotionally to all possibilities.
Idea #2: Be Empathetic. Empathy involves paying attention to another human being, asking what they are feeling, and committing to understanding their world.
“Getting to this level of emotional intelligence demands opening up our senses, talking less, and listening more,” Chris writes.
Idea #3: Ask open-ended questions. We ask questions that start with “Why?” “How?” or “What?” Open-ended questions encourage a complete answer rather than a simple “yes” or “no.”
Lesson #4: Listen Well. We are fully present so that we can listen intensely. We show our genuine desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.
“Instead of prioritizing our argument—in fact, instead of doing any thinking at all,” Chris writes, we “make our sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.”
Idea #5: Use our Voice. “People tend to focus all their energies on what to say or do, but it’s how we are (our general demeanor and delivery) that is both the easiest thing to enact and the most immediately effective mode of influence,” Chris suggests.
Where does he put his focus? On his voice. “When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations just seem to flow,” Chris notes.
Idea #6: Be a Mirror. We repeat and relate. We play back what we heard. Then, “Did I get it?” “Is there more?” Our mindset is, “Please help me understand.”
Idea #7: Labeling. “Name it to Tame it,” the saying goes. Rather than avoid or deny the emotions at play, we label them. By labeling our fears, we move them from the amygdala, the part of our brain that reacts to threats, to the prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain that drives logical thinking.
We begin with one of three statements: “It seems like…” Or “It sounds like…” Or “It looks like…”
“Most of the time we have a wealth of information from the other person’s words, tone, and body language,” Chris writes.
Once we have labeled the emotion, we stay silent and listen. A label invites the other person to reveal how they are feeling.
More next week!
_____________________________
Reflection: Which of Chris’s seven ideas seems most interesting to me?
Action: Experiment with at least one of Chris’s ideas today in a conversation with a friend, colleague, or family member.
What did you think of this post?
