1: “Why is it so hard to let go?” Marilyn said.
Marilyn was ninety-six years old. A naturally curious person, she had engaged Diane Button, an end-of-life doula, because she wanted to die well.
“She was willing and even excited to do the work to make that happen,” Diane writes in her wonderful book What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living.
Initially, Marilyn told Diane she wasn’t sure why she was alive. Soon, however, she understood the reason: She realized the importance of letting go.
Diane shared a favorite analogy with her client about a deck of cards.
“Most of us were born with a full deck of fifty-two cards,” Diane said. “Each card is unique and adds meaning to life. We don’t realize it at first, but they represent freedom, work, adventure, energy, love, and all the parts of life that we covet so much. We hold them close to our hearts, but over time, we begin to lose some cards.
“At first,” she remarked, “we don’t pay attention. Maybe we can’t touch our toes anymore or stay up until midnight, but we are OK with that because it’s subtle.
“But then we start feeling the bigger losses,” Diane notes. “We may lose our parents or people we love. We may have to let go of hopes and dreams that will never come to fruition. . . There is no set order or timeline for the more obvious losses in life, but when they happen, we know we have just experienced the loss of one of our precious cards.”
“I’ve lost a lot of cards, that’s for sure,” Marilyn said, nodding in agreement.
“I know you have, and you have let go with such grace and acceptance,” Diane said.
2: Marilyn had paid attention to her losses as the years rolled on.
“One such loss was her youthful beauty. Her hair had thinned, and her once radiant skin had lost its glow,” Diane observes.
“While it wasn’t easy, Marilyn finally accepted the inevitable and even embraced it. She learned she could still feel beautiful with a bright scarf and a colorful, matching hat. This became her signature look.”
Others saw her as beautiful, including the ninety-year-old man across the hall. He often stopped by with news or treats, just to see her.
“Through the process of a life review, she began letting go of the burdens from her past, one by one,” Diane remarks. “By opening her fists and trusting the process of letting go, she replaced her negative emotions with acceptance. When I looked into Marilyn’s eyes, I saw her peaceful spirit.
One afternoon, after months of sharing memories, Marilyn said quietly, “This is cathartic. Looking back, I realize just how much I’ve released over these years. Letting go of my driver’s license, my independence—now, only a few precious cards remain. Their value makes it clear: the rest is not worth clinging to.”
Marilyn made a list of all she was holding onto and everything she wanted to let go before dying. “She narrowed the list down to just a couple of items that still tugged at her heart,” Diane writes. “We were making progress, but we weren’t quite done.”
One day, Diane stopped by to visit Marilyn, who seemed even more upbeat and positive than normal.
“Her large pile of papers had dwindled to a few key documents,” Diane writes, “and I noticed some boxes scattered around her apartment.”
“You look perky today! And it looks like you’ve been productive, too,” she observed.
Marilyn explained that she had been working with her daughter, going through boxes of old papers.
This was more about letting go. Marilyn was lightening both her emotional and physical loads.
“I just realized I only have a couple of things left that I want to let go of. I don’t think this is going to be easy, but I’m ready!” Marilyn commented.
She shared with Diane a secret heartbreak: she was still holding onto the fragile hope of mending old relationships. Marilyn realized that healing had to come from inside herself; forgiving and letting go, even without reconciliation, was her final act of liberation.
3: Getting better at getting better is what RiseWithDrew is all about. Monday through Thursday, we explore ideas from authors, thought leaders, and exemplary organizations. At the end of each week, we are exploring some of the life lessons from Diane’s book What Matters Most.
Diane writes: “When your fist is clenched, you are holding something tightly. It might be an outcome, an emotion, an idea, a relationship, a possession, or a judgment you just can’t let go of.
“Whatever is festering inside those clenched fists is likely not serving you well. It may be weighing you down, or even worse, making you emotionally or physically sick.
“With clenched fists, you cling on,” she notes. “With open palms, we let go. Life is full of peaks and valleys, and throughout our lives, we are constantly holding and letting go. This is the nature of life.”
During one of their meetings, Diane suggested to Marilynn that they do a visualization exercise. She started by asking Marilyn to remember back to being a little girl. “She gave herself a big hug for being brave and kind, and for loving with such integrity throughout her life.”
“At one point, I asked her to imagine herself sleeping, and I saw a sweet, gentle smile come over her face,” Diane recalls.
“As we continued, other stories from Marilyn’s past rose to the surface, and she slowly let go of what was burdening her. She was able to find some healing by realizing that we are all wounded and imperfect, and sometimes people who are hurting can hurt other people, including those they love the most.
“Where there was anger,” Diane writes, “Marilyn imagined that person sleeping, just like her, which brought her an understanding of our shared humanity. Where there was hurt, she imagined them suffering, which brought her compassion.”
“I feel so much better, Diane. We all have broken pieces and invisible scars, don’t we?”
“Yes, we do.”
“It sure is hard to stay angry at someone when you imagine them sleeping,” Marilyn commented.
Looking back, Diane sees her journey with Marilyn as a master class in letting go.
“Marilyn became my friend and my teacher, too,” she writes. “She taught me a lot about letting go. I witnessed her unclench her fists and settle into a place of pure and wholesome acceptance. When she died, she was holding her two more precious cards, her enduring Jewish faith and the hand of her sweet family.”
More next week.
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Reflection: Am I holding precious cards that I cherish, or am I holding on to habits, outcomes, or expectations that are no longer serving me? Is there something I am clinging to with such brute strength that I cannot imagine opening my hands and releasing it? What if I could soften my grip just a little, just enough to relax a bit? If I have the courage to open my hand, I might feel a giant release and open myself to a world of new possibilities.
Action: Journal on the questions above.
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