1: Each day when he’s not traveling, Kevin Deshazo, CEO of Fieldhouse Media, drives his son Gabe to and from school.
“While in transit I normally check my phone at red lights for emails and posts, trying to see what the world is up to,” he explains.
“Everything changed,” he says after learning about the 5 Gears framework.
The 5 Gears is both the title and the central metaphor of the book written by Jeremie Kubicek and Steve Cockram.
- 1st Gear involves taking the necessary time to be 100% recharged.
- 2nd Gear involves connecting with family, friends, or colleagues in a meaningful way.
- 3rd Gear is about being social and enjoying the company of others.
- 4th Gear is your task-driven work gear, where you juggle priorities, responsibilities, and to-do lists.
- 5th Gear is pure focus mode that allows you to “get in the zone” without interruption.
“The 5 Gears mindset opened my eyes to realizing that this was crucial 2nd gear time with my son,” Kevin explains. “This was our five to eight minutes each trip to connect as father and son and I was missing out on that opportunity.”
Now, when Kevin gets in the car with Gabe, he turns on some music and gets ready to listen to his son.
“On the way to school we talk about the day ahead and what he’s excited about and I take a few minutes to encourage him and simply connect. On the way home we debrief about his day and what he learned that day. He knows he has my full attention. It’s brilliant,” he reflects.
Kevin believes that Gabe responds differently depending on what gear his dad is in. “I needed to meet him in the right gear. Now, I don’t feel like I am missing the time that I know is short and he is getting the best of me.”
The authors ask: “When was the last time that you truly connected with someone in a meaningful way? How did that experience make you feel? When was the last time you went deep with someone and left the meeting fully recharged?
Because this is what 2nd gear is all about.
It’s “the ability to shift into connect mode and become present with someone in your life who brings you joy,” Jeremie and Steve write. “It is time geared toward relationship building without an agenda or pressure to be productive.”
You can think of 2nd gear as a gift.
“When you are truly present you are giving yourself to another person for a period of time, you are giving your best for their best,” they note.
“2nd gear is like giving a present to someone—a gift designed specifically for him or her, which you also get to enjoy.”
When you shift into 2nd gear, the other person often does, too. It “leads people to get engaged, to be present,” the authors observe.
Likewise, when you are too busy or distracted to be fully present, you are actually wasting the other person’s time.
Here are some examples of what 2nd Gear looks like:
- “Taking my wife out on a date. Spending time just being together.”
- “Getting quality time with my key leaders. Listening and then challenging them as they become better leaders.”
- “Spending time with my son. Doing things that he and I love to do.”
- “Going to lunch with a co-worker who understands me and allows me to vent.”
- “Being with our kids and playing games without cell phones or TV.”
- “Stopping by my employee’s desk and checking in—spending more time than I normally would.”
- “Being with my father, who is sick, and not nagging, but instead connecting.”
- “Making a fire pit and trading funny stories with my family.”
Jeremie notes: “I know hundreds of leaders who have implemented 2nd gear firmly in their lives and redeemed the relationships they had singed through the years.”
Once, a man approached him with tears in his eyes after a talk he had given on the 5 Gears.
“He could barely get the words out when he said, ‘It may be too late, but I am going to give it a try.’
“He went on to share that his wife had left him the week before and that he had come to realize that it was he and his addictions to work, tasks, and the things that made him feel better that drove her away. He realized that everyone else got his best, and his wife got his leftovers.”
2: 2nd gear is not particularly popular in our culture.
“While TV ads show families having picnics, experiences, or fun adventures together, the reality of our culture is directly opposed to the concept,” Jeremie and Steve write.
We live in a “get it done” world that celebrates working 24/7.
“I have worked in cultures that push for productivity to such a degree that people are on edge constantly,” they observe.
What happens as a result? There is drama and division.
Conversely, companies that prioritize connection and understanding often strengthen relationships and alignment
For some people, getting into 2nd Gear requires some deliberate effort.
“Life, work, tasks, people, and even our own multitasking minds can keep us shallow, distracted, and unable to really get to the levels of connection that allow our personal relationships to thrive,” the authors note.
Jeremie and Steve offer five suggestions for making 2nd Gear an important part of your life:
- “Take the time. When you sense that there is an opportunity to connect, go for it. Make time to connect. Add connect time to your calendar or space your appointments out to add an extra 15 minutes or so, if and when you have a meeting.
- “Listen. The way to connect comes through your ears, not your mouth. When you listen, you give respect and gain perspective. Listening to others by hearing what is really going on is the start to connecting well and being present.
- “Don’t force it. People know if you are forcing something. You can’t fake connection. It is a two-way street. Inauthenticity leads to disconnection. Be you, be present, and be patient. The connection will happen if you are present.
- “Give yourself away. Giving yourself away seems risky to some, especially to those who have been burned. However, when you risk by going deep and giving yourself away to help the other person, you increase your chances to receive far more than you imagined. When you invest well you normally get a return on that investment.
- “Cut what binds. This is easier said than done, but you may have habits in your life that are keeping you from your best or from key relationships. Surely solitaire or apps or TV can be prioritized for better times.”
One enemy of 2nd Gear? Our phones.
When Tom Nebel, a colleague of the authors, meets up with his adult son, they make it a point to turn off their phones.
“It reminds me of the old western movies when the cowboys would take their guns off at the saloon and put them in the middle of the table,” Tom says. “It’s been a remarkable change in how we relate, and we won’t have it any other way.”
3: One final story about 2nd Gear from one of the authors’ clients, Tom Nebel.
“Years ago, my family took a vacation to Hawaii, and it was everything we’d hoped for.
“When the trip was coming to a close, and we were at the Honolulu airport waiting to board the airplane, I was overhearing conversations from other tourists who were headed home as well.
“Again and again I would hear people say with resignation, ‘Well, now back to the real world.’
“I understand. It’s hard to say goodbye to a vacation. But I thought about that, and something [was] triggered in me. I said to my family, ‘You know, I don’t think we’re headed back to the real world, I think we’re leaving the real world. Our time together here was the closest thing to reality we’ve had in a long, long while.’”
More tomorrow.
_______________________
Reflection: Who in your life deserves more of your full attention than they’ve been getting lately?
Action: Put your phone away during your next meaningful conversation and give someone the gift of your complete presence.
What did you think of this post?
