1: Fred Kofman was in Shanghai. It was Day 2 of a workshop he was leading for executives at a financial services company.
“Before I could say ‘good morning,’ one of the participants said he wanted to share something,” he writes in his book The Meaning Revolution. He was so eager that I gave him the floor.”
One of the topics the group had explored the prior day was listening to understand. Afterward, the man called his wife, who was back home in Beijing. He had recorded the conversation and put the microphone next to his phone so everyone could hear.
“I couldn’t understand anything from the recording because it was in Chinese,” Fred writes, “but after about thirty seconds, the whole room burst out in laughter. People were laughing so hard and speaking in such an animated tone that I was very curious.
The man translated the conversation for Fred:
Husband: “What’s on your mind?”
Wife: “Why do you ask?”
Husband: “I’m interested in listening to you.”
Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Husband: “Nothing is wrong, I just want to know what’s on your mind.”
Wife: “Something’s wrong. You never listen to me.”
Husband: “I want to listen to you today. Don’t you like it?”
Wife: “No! It makes me wonder what’s wrong.”
2: Fred learned a lesson that day. After his workshops, he typically gives the participants an assignment: “Go back home and, without saying anything about the workshop, ask someone in your family (or a friend), ‘What’s on your mind these days?’ (or simply ‘How was your day?’). Then just seek to understand without saying anything else for at least ten minutes.”
The problem? Most people aren’t used to someone seeking to understand. So, now Fred suggests: “Explain to them what you’ve learned and make an agreement to try it out as an exercise.”
3: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” as popularized by Stephen Covey in the classic book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, sounds like a great approach to becoming a better communicator.
Yet, in all of Fred’s years of experience, he has never had a single client who, without intensive training, was able to show up this way. Especially when they are stressed or experiencing elevated emotions.
Fred’s point? To successfully listen to understand is not easy. To do it, we must be intentional and practice deliberately. He outlines five steps where we should focus our energies:
Step 1: “Listen quietly,” he writes, “without interrupting or completing the other person’s sentences.”
Step 2: Focusing all our attention on the other person. Put our phones in our pockets. Maintain eye contact. Nod and encourage the other person to continue by saying, “Go on, please,” “Tell me more,” or “How was that for you?” “A particularly effective technique,” Fred suggests, “is to repeat the last few words of the other’s statement in an inquisitive tone.”
Step 3: Wait until the other person is finished. Then, summarize the idea and ask if we understand completely. If not, encourage them to modify or add to our understanding. Summarize again and inquire if we now have it.
Step 4: “Ask questions to understand the reasoning that leads our counterpart to his or her point of view,” Fred writes. “Use open questions as much as possible, and avoid confrontational questions (we can challenge the other’s ideas later in the conversation). During the answers to these questions, continue to apply points 1, 2, and 3.”
Step 5: Finish by validating that “the other’s perspective makes sense and seems reasonable (given his or her beliefs),” Fred writes. Even if we disagree, acknowledge the other person’s point of view. Then, he suggests: “Wait for our turn to explain ourselves to present any disagreement.”
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: What do I make of Fred’s suggestions on how to listen to understand? Is there a particular step that is difficult for me?
Action: Look for an opportunity today to experiment with Fred’s five steps.
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