1: Consider the following two questions:
“Where did you get married?” vs. “How did you decide on the wedding venue?”
At first glance, the questions seem similar. But if our goal is to start a meaningful conversation, they are worlds apart.
“Where did you get married?” is an example of a “stop sign” question, Sahil Bloom writes in his book The 5 Types of Wealth: A Transformative Guide to Design Your Dream Life.
The conversation “stops” after the person responds with a location.
“How did you decide on the wedding venue?” is an example of a “doorknob” question. Because it leads to a story. And, “every story offers new opportunities for us, the listeners, to further the connection and discourse,” Sahil explains.
The bottom line? Doorknob questions lead to meaningful interactions.
And, they help reduce anxiety because they allow us to show interest in the other person. We escape the self-induced pressure to be “interesting,” and instead get to “interested” in the other person.
Another example of a stop sign question is “What do you do?”
“It’s generic and generally gets us a cookie-cutter, automated response or an uncomfortable one if people don’t feel proud of their work,” Sahil writes.
Instead, we can ask: “What are you most excited about right now?” which leads to a more interesting response and creates conversational momentum.
Other examples of doorknob questions include:
- What’s your connection to [insert current place or event]?
- What’s lighting you up outside of work?
- What’s your favorite book you’ve read recently? Or, what is the best movie or show you’ve seen recently? What made it so compelling to you?
- What are you most excited about right now, personally or professionally?
- What’s the origin of your name? Why did your parents give you that name?
- If you had an entire day to yourself with zero responsibilities, how would you spend it?
2: Creating a great conversation starts with asking great questions.
Once we’ve asked a compelling question, the next step is to show up as what David Brooks refers to as a “Loud Listener” in his book How to Know a Person.
Loud listening is about letting the other person know they’ve been heard and felt. We do this in several different ways.
We can say “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” or “Hmm” to show that we are listening and encouraging the speaker to continue.
Body language and facial expressions are other ways to be a loud listener. We can lean forward and use our facial expressions to react to what is being said.
Finally, making situational eye contact is also important.
“Eye contact is nuanced,” Sahil writes. “Too little and we look shifty; too much and we look psychotic.”
He recommends deep and connected eye contact while the other person is speaking, and organic while we are talking.
“It’s okay to gaze off while we think, but use eye contact to emphasize key points and moments in a story.”
Loud listening is an example of “Level 2” or “You” listening. “We are deeply focused on what the other person is saying,” Sahil explains. We’re “not waiting to speak; we’re listening to learn.”
He contrasts this with “Level 1” or “Me” listening, where we relate everything the other person says to something in our own lives. We’re “waiting to speak, not listening to learn,” he writes.
“Level 3” of “Us” listening occurs when we listen to understand and consider the layers beneath what the other person is saying. It involves building “a map of the other person,” Sahil suggests, “understanding how all the new information being shared fits into that broader map of the person’s life and world.”
To build genuine relationships, we must learn to operate at Level 2 and 3. “Most people default to Level 1 listening,” he notes, “but charismatic people have a practiced intention around Level 2 and Level 3 listening.
“We’ve all been in conversations where it becomes very clear the other person is uninterested in who we are or what we have to day,” Sahil writes. “We know that feeling. Don’t create it for others.”
3: The final principle to become a master conversationalist is to practice active listening.
“We repeat key points back to the speaker in our own words and follow that with an additional insight, story, or doorknob question,” Sahil writes.
The skilled conversationalist can be extrovert or introvert, “a theatrical storyteller or prudent fact deliverer,” he notes.
“The extrovert who constantly runs away with conversations and doesn’t let the other person get a word in,” Sahil observes, “is just as challenged as the introvert who refuses to create forward momentum with active listening or progressions.”
By asking doorknob questions and being a loud and active listener, we can “make the most of our natural skill sets and become the best conversationalists we can be,” he predicts.
The benefits are profound. “Mastering the art and science of conversation,” Sahil writes, “will pay off professionally but, more important, personally, as it leads to the meaningful connections that provide new texture and richness to life.”
More tomorrow.
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Reflection: How often do I move past surface-level questions and really tune into others with genuine curiosity and care?
Action: Practice asking at least one doorknob question and using loud, attentive listening in every interaction this week.
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