“Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” —William Shakespeare
1: “Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself stories,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Even right now. Even as you are reading this.
Yesterday, we looked at how the stories we tell ourselves create our emotions.
“Just after you observe what others do and just before you feel some emotion about it, you tell yourself a story,” the authors explain.
You add meaning to what you observe. You make a guess at why the other person is acting. You may judge: Is what they are doing right or wrong?
“And then,” they explain, “based on these thoughts or stories, your body responds with an emotion.”
Hold on a minute, you say. “I didn’t notice myself telling a story. When that guy laughed at me during my presentation, I just felt angry. The feelings came first; the thoughts came second.”
Here’s the reality: “Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast,” the authors observe. “When we believe we’re at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we don’t even know we’re doing it.”
One way to check? Ask yourself if you always become angry when someone laughs at you.
“If sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t, then your response isn’t hardwired,” they observe.
In between someone laughing and you feeling, there is a story. “You may not remember it, but you tell a story,” the authors explain.
Stories begin as an explanation for what we are seeing and feeling: “Carl is walking out of the building with a bright yellow box. Yellow boxes contain secure material.”
Next, they provide an explanation of why something is happening: “Carl is stealing our intellectual property.”
Then, we often add a judgment or interpretation of someone’s motives: “Carl is a thief and should be arrested.”
2: And yet, any series of events or occurrences can generate an infinite number of stories.
“Stories are just that—stories,” they write. “These explanations could be told in numerous different ways.”
Yesterday, we analyzed what happened when Maria’s co-worker Louis took over the presentation to their boss and covered all the material she was supposed to present.
She sees that Louis has started talking, and now he won’t stop.
“Maria concludes that Louis is taking over the presentation. But Maria’s story doesn’t stop there,” the authors note.
She tells herself a story about why Louis is acting this way: “He doesn’t trust my ability to communicate. He thinks that they’re more likely to listen to a man. And he’s trying to hog the spotlight for himself.”
She then makes a judgment about why Louis is acting this way: “He’s a sexist, power-hungry weasel.”
As she comes up with the meaning of what’s happening, her body responds with strong feelings or emotions: “After all,” the authors note, “our emotions are directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc.”
The story Maria tells herself makes her feel angry and frustrated. Which causes her to keep her thoughts to herself so she isn’t seen as “sensitive,” while occasionally letting loose with a sarcastic barb directed at Louis.
But there are many other stories Maria might tell herself about Louis.
Maybe he didn’t realize how much she cared about the project.
Or maybe she believes Louis is worried about getting fired, and this is his way of wanting to appear valuable.
Or, perhaps, a prior boss criticized him for not personally overseeing every detail of a project.
“Any of these stories would have fit the facts and would have created very different emotions,” the authors state.
3: To pull all this together: To excel at crucial conversations, you must be able to influence and control your emotions. To do that, you need to pay attention to the stories you are telling yourself.
Because once we tell ourselves a story, it generates our emotions.
If you want to control what you say and how you act, you must first exert control over what you are feeling.
The big takeaway? “If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us,” the authors note.
The good news? We “can tell different stories and break the loop. In fact, until we tell different stories, we cannot break the loop.”
They write: “If you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself—even while you’re in the middle of the fray.”
More tomorrow!
Reflection: What story am I currently telling myself about someone else’s actions—and is that story helping me move toward understanding or conflict?
Action: The next time I feel emotionally triggered, pause and identify the story I am telling myself. Then challenge myself to generate at least two alternative explanations.
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