1: Why pay attention to the stories you are telling yourself?
And why devote the time, effort, and energy to change these stories?
It’s not going to be easy, Crucial Conversations authors Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory warn us.
There are two reasons you may want to change the stories you are telling yourself:
Reason #1: Bad results.
Maybe you want to be promoted. But it’s not happening.
Or, perhaps you want to enjoy the time you spend with your extended family. But arguments break out every time you gather together.
“Whatever the situation,” the authors write, “if you are not happy with the outcome, start by looking at how you behaved.” Examine how the stories you are telling yourself are creating an outcome you do not want.
Reason #2: You are feeling strong, negative emotions.
If you are feeling difficult emotions—anger, frustration, hurt, or irritation, this is a clue that the stories you are telling yourself are not serving you.
If you want to change your outcomes or the way you are feeling, there is a path forward.
You can change the stories in your head.
2: “What’s the most effective way to come up with different stories?” the authors ask. “The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down and then take charge of their Path to Action.”
There are four steps:
Step #1: Notice Your Behavior. Ask: “Am I acting out my concerns rather than talking them out?”
Step #2: Put Your Feelings into Words. Ask: “What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?”
Step #3: Analyze Your Stories. Ask: “What story is creating these emotions?”
Step #4: Get Back to the Facts. Ask: “What have I seen or heard that supports this story? What have I seen or heard that conflicts with this story?”
“By retracing your path one element at a time,” the authors explain, “you put yourself in a position to think about, question, and change any or all of the elements.”
Step #1: Notice Your Behavior. You begin by making an honest assessment of what you are doing.
The authors write: “If you tell yourself a story that your aggressive behavior is a ‘necessary tactic,’ you won’t see the need to reconsider your actions.
“If you immediately jump in with ‘They started it,’ or otherwise find yourself rationalizing your behavior, you also won’t feel compelled to change.
Those who excel at crucial conversations notice when they’re slipping out of dialogue.
They are also willing to admit it. “They don’t wallow in self-doubt, but they do admit the problem and begin to take corrective action,” the authors observe. “The moment they realize they’re killing dialogue, they review their own Path to Action.”
One proven tactic? Ask yourself how others would view your actions. Consider, the authors suggest, “if the scene was livestreamed on social media, how would you look? How would a disinterested third party describe your behavior?”
Step #2: Put Your Feelings into Words. Also known as “name it to tame it.”
“As skilled individuals retrace their own Path to Action, they move from admitting their own unhealthy behavior to verbalizing their emotions,” the authors write.
This may sound easy, but accurately labeling your emotions can be difficult.
“In fact, many people are emotionally illiterate,” they observe. “When asked to describe how they’re feeling, they use words such as “bad” or “angry” or “scared”—which would be OK if these were accurate descriptors, but often they’re not.
“Individuals say they’re angry when, in fact, they’re feeling a mix of embarrassment and surprise.
“Or,” the authors state, “they suggest they’re unhappy when they’re feeling violated. Perhaps they suggest they’re upset when they’re really feeling humiliated and hurt.”
So what? What’s the big deal?
Words matter, the authors believe: “Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.
“For instance, you’re far more likely to take an honest look at the story you’re telling yourself if you admit you’re feeling both embarrassed and surprised rather than simply angry.
“When you take the time to precisely articulate what you’re feeling,” they write, “you begin to put a little bit of daylight between you and the emotion.”
Naming what we are feeling also allows us to observe the emotion rather than be consumed by it.
“When you can hold it at a little distance from yourself,” the authors suggest, “you can examine it, study it, and begin to change it. But that process can’t begin until you name it.”
Something that works? Share what’s going on inside you. Talk openly about what you are feeling.
As you expand your emotional vocabulary, you will be able to acknowledge deeper emotions like shame, hurt, fear, and inadequacy.
Step #3: Analyze Your Stories. Once you’ve named what you are feeling, ask: Given the circumstances, is this the right emotion? The right story?
“The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances,” the authors write.
This is the most difficult step. And, the most important one.
“By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories,” they note.
“You challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story is right and true. You willingly question whether your emotions (very real) and the story behind them (only one of many possible explanations) are accurate.”
At some point, you may ask: “Wait just a minute here. I shouldn’t have to change my story. My story is accurate. It is true! I am right!”
This thinking is an example of the Fool’s Choice believing that your story is either right or wrong.
“That’s rarely the case,” the authors argue. “Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. The more we accept responsibility for the stories we tell, the more nuanced and effective our emotional responses become.”
Step #4: Get Back to the Facts.
The stories we tell ourselves happen in an instant, in between what someone does and how we feel about it.
“When you generate stories in the blink of an eye, you can get so caught up in the moment that you begin to believe your stories are facts. They feel like facts,” they write.
It’s easy to confuse your subjective conclusions with observable facts.
Remember the copywriter Maria who was furious at her colleague Louis because he met privately with their boss about their project and then dominated the final presentation?
Maria believes: “He’s a misogynistic jerk!—that’s a fact! Ask anyone who has seen how he treats me!”
“He’s a misogynistic jerk,” however, is not a fact. “It’s the story that Maria created to give meaning to the facts,” they explain.
So how do you avoid this trap?
You separate the facts from the story. You ask: “Can I see or hear this thing you’re calling a fact? Was it an actual behavior?”
What are some facts about Louis? He gave 95 percent of the presentation and answered all but one question.
“This is specific, objective, and verifiable,” they write. “Any two people watching the meeting would make the same observation.
Maria’s statement “He doesn’t trust me,” however, is a conclusion because “it explains what you think, not what the other person did,” the authors note. “Conclusions are subjective.”
Another tactic is to be aware of any “drama” or “hot” words.
Maria described Louis as “controlling.” She said he didn’t respect her.
“Had she focused on his behavior (he talked a lot and met with the boss one-on-one),” they write, “this less volatile description would have allowed for any number of interpretations.”
Maybe Louis was nervous, concerned, or unsure of himself.
We are also wise to scan for additional facts.
“Once you start to tell a story (‘Louis is a power-hungry weasel!’), you start to selectively see the evidence or facts that reinforce your story, and you overlook facts that contradict your story,” the authors observe.
“You believe your story and want to continue to believe it.”
As a result, you “see” the facts that support the story you are telling yourself and ignore or overlook other facts that may not.
“As you scan for other facts to complete the picture,” the authors suggest, “be sure to ask, ‘What facts are there that contradict my story?’”
3: So what happened with Maria and Louis in real life?
“She scheduled a meeting with Louis,” the authors write. “After Maria explained her expectations of and views about the project, Louis apologized for not including her in meetings with the boss.
“He explained that he was trying to give the boss a heads-up on some controversial parts of the presentation—and realized in retrospect that he shouldn’t have done this without her.
“He also apologized for dominating during the presentation,” they write. “Maria learned from the conversation that Louis tends to talk more when he gets nervous.
“Louis suggested that they each be responsible for either the first or second half of the presentation and stick to their assignments so he would be less likely to crowd her out.
“The discussion ended,” the authors note, “with both of them understanding the other’s perspective and Louis promising to be more sensitive in the future.”
More next week!
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Reflection: What story am I telling myself about a person or situation right now that may be influencing my emotions, behavior, and results?
Action: The next time I feel upset, walk through the four steps: Notice my behavior, name my emotions, analyze my story, and get back to the facts.
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