1: Imagine you’ve just been offered a promotion.
A big promotion. One that will accelerate your career and give you greater responsibility.
“And it pays enough to help soften the blow of displacement,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors write in their book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
“That last part is important,” the authors say, “because you’ll have to move the family across the country, and your spouse and kids love where you currently live.”
You get home and tell your husband the news.
“You expected your spouse to have feelings of ambivalence over the move, but he doesn’t seem to be ambivalent even a tiny bit,” they observe.
“To your spouse, the promotion is a bad news event,” the authors write. “First, you have to move, and second, you’ll work even longer hours.”
From his perspective, earning more money doesn’t matter if it means you won’t have time together.
Now what?
“The worst at dialogue either ignore the problem and push ahead or roll over and let others have their way,” Joseph and Kerry write. “They opt for either competition or submission.”
This approach creates winners and losers and sets up future conflict.
“The good at dialogue move immediately toward compromise,” they explain.
One idea might be for the couple to have two homes: one in their current location and another near the new job.
“Nobody really wants this arrangement,” the authors observe, “and frankly, it’s a pretty ugly solution that’s bound to lead to more serious problems, even divorce.”
Compromise can work. But the best at dialogue know it’s not always the best place to start.
“The best use four skills to create a Mutual Purpose,” they write.
To make it easier to remember, they use the acronym CRIB.
Skill #1: Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose
It all begins with how you think about and approach the situation.
“To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view,” the authors note. “We must even surrender false dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly arguing our side until the other person gives in).”
Commit to continuing the conversation until you find a solution that works for both of you.
“This can be tough,” they observe. “To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want.
“We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there is a third choice out there—one that suits everyone.”
What if you are willing, but your partner seems committed to winning?
“You act on faith that your partner is stuck in silence or violence because he or she feels unsafe. You assume that if you build more safety—by demonstrating your commitment to finding a Mutual Purpose—the other person will feel more confident that dialogue could be a productive avenue.”
So what can you do when you’re stuck in a battle of wills?
“Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill: Step out of the content of the struggle and make it safe.
“Simply say: ‘It seems like we’re both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfies both of us.’
“Then watch whether safety takes a turn for the better.”
Skill #2: Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy
“Wanting to come up with a shared goal is a wonderful first step,” Joseph and Kerry write, “but desire alone is not enough.”
To achieve a better outcome, you may also need to change your approach.
Begin by noticing that what you’re asking for might not be what you truly want.
It’s easy to confuse what you really want with how you’re trying to get it.
“For example,” they write, “I come home from work and say that I want to go to a movie. You say that you want to stay home and relax.
“And so we debate: movie, TV, movie, read, etc. We figure we’ll never be able to resolve our differences because going out and staying home are incompatible.”
So what do you do? Ask: “Why do you want that?”
You say: “Why do you want to stay home?”
“Because I’m tired of running around and dealing with the hassle of the city.”
“So you want peace and quiet?”
“Mostly. And why do you want to go to a movie?”
“So I can spend some time with you away from the kids.”
Before you can find a Mutual Purpose, you must understand what the other person really wants.
“Step out of the content of the conversation,” the authors suggest, “which is generally focused on strategies, and explore the purposes behind them.”
Many times, when you separate your desires from your strategies, new options become available.
“By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose,” they note, “you’re now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests.”
“You want peace and quiet, and I want time with you away from the kids. So if we can come up with something that is quiet and away, we’ll both be happy. Is that right?”
“Absolutely. What if we were to take a drive up the canyon and . . .”
The problem wasn’t that they wanted incompatible things. They were arguing about incompatible ways of getting what they wanted.
Skill #3: Invent a Mutual Purpose
That said, it’s not always so easy.
“Sometimes when you recognize the purposes behind another person’s strategies, you discover that you actually have compatible goals,” the authors observe. “From there you simply come up with common strategies.”
But that’s not always the case.
What if getting what you want means the other person has to give up what they want?
“In this case you cannot discover a Mutual Purpose,” they note. “That means you’ll have to actively invent one.”
Sometimes, finding Mutual Purpose means looking beyond your immediate disagreement to a larger, more meaningful goal.
Let’s return to the situation at the start of the post: You and your spouse can’t agree on whether or not you should take the promotion.
“But you can agree that the needs of your relationship and the children come before career aspirations,” they observe.
“By focusing on higher and longer-term goals, you often find ways to transcend short-term compromises, build Mutual Purpose, and return to dialogue.”
Skill #4: Brainstorm New Strategies
Once you’ve established safety and found a shared purpose, you can return to solving the problem.
“With a clear Mutual Purpose,” Joseph and Kerry write, “you can join forces in searching for a solution that serves everyone. . .
“It’s time to step back into the dialogue and brainstorm strategies that meet everyone’s needs.”
With a shared purpose, you can stop arguing over competing positions and start exploring solutions together.
“Instead, you’ll be actively coming up with options that can serve everyone,” they write. “Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives.”
Ask questions like: “Can you find a way to work in a job that is local and still meets your career goals?
“Is this job with this company the only thing that will make you happy?
“Is a move really necessary in this new job?
“Is there another community that could offer your family the same benefits?”
The goal isn’t to win the argument or settle for a compromise neither person wants. It’s to find a solution that serves what matters most to both of you.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When you disagree with someone, are you focused on getting your way, or understanding what matters most to both of you?
Action: The next time you reach an impasse, ask, “Why do you want that?” Look beyond competing solutions to identify a shared purpose, then brainstorm new ways to achieve it.
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