1: Imagine having a boss who regularly fails to keep commitments.
“How could you tell the boss you don’t trust him?” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors ask in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
“Surely there’s no way to say this without him becoming defensive, right?”
Maybe. Maybe not.
The solution is to find what the authors call a “Mutual Purpose.”
Which means the other person needs to know you care about what matters to them.
“If your only reason for approaching the boss,” the authors observe, “is to get what you want, the boss will hear you as critical and selfish—which is what you are.”
Ouch.
“In contrast,” they say, “if you try to see the other person’s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the person willingly into even very sensitive conversations.”
In this situation, begin by figuring out what happens when your boss doesn’t keep his commitments. Are you missing deadlines that matter to him? Are you taking on extra costs he wants to avoid?
If so, you’ve probably found a Mutual Purpose.
You could say: “I’ve got some ideas for how I can be much more reliable and even reduce costs by a few thousand dollars. It’s going to be a bit of a sensitive conversation, but I think it will help a great deal if we can talk about it.”
Bingo. Mutual Purpose.
2: Mutual Purpose is what the authors call the “entry condition”: The people you’re talking with believe you care about their goals, interests, and values.
And vice versa. You believe they care about what is important to you.
“Consequently, Mutual Purpose is the entry condition of dialogue,” they explain. “Find a shared goal, and you have both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.”
Think about a time when someone gave you tough feedback, and you didn’t get defensive.
“Say a friend said some things to you that most people might get upset over,” the authors observe. “In order for this person to be able to deliver the delicate message, you must have believed they cared about you or about your goals and objectives.
“That means you trusted his or her purposes so you were willing to listen to some pretty tough feedback.”
Yesterday [hyperlink], you met Mari and Oba, whose crucial conversation didn’t go well because Oba wasn’t clear about his intent from the beginning.
“If Mari believes that Oba’s purpose in raising this delicate topic is to make her feel guilty or to get his way, this conversation is doomed from the outset,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors write.
Versus: “If she believes he really cares about making things better for both of them, he may have a chance.”
3: There is one sure-fire way to find a Mutual Purpose in any conversation.
“You see,” they say, “human beings have an innate need to be heard. We want to be listened to and understood.
“So a great Mutual Purpose to start with is to seek mutual understanding. If the other person truly believes you sincerely want to understand his or her needs or point of view, you have the basic makings of safety.”
And once the other person feels understood, they’re more likely to listen to you.
This is the “mutual” in mutual purpose.
“Yes, you need to care about the other person’s purpose,” the authors note. “But the other person also needs to care about your purpose.
“You don’t need to subordinate your purpose to that of others just to create a veneer of safety for them.”
But what if the other person doesn’t seem to care about your goals, interests, or values?
“You choose that as the topic of the Crucial Conversation you need to have,” they recommend.
You might say: “It’s important to me that we have a collaborative and productive relationship. I’d like to talk about a pattern I’ve noticed in our conversations. I know we often have different goals or objectives. And I hope you know that I care about your objectives as well as my own.
“Sometimes, though,” you say, “I sense that you don’t really care about my goals, and that can make it tough for me to talk about things with you. I’m wondering if I’ve misread this?”
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: Before you begin a difficult conversation, does the other person know you genuinely care about what matters to them?
Action: Identify a Mutual Purpose before your next difficult conversation. If you can’t find one, start with a sincere desire to understand the other person’s point of view.
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