1: “Respect is like air. As long as it’s present, nobody thinks about it.
“But if you take it away, it’s all that people can think about,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
“The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation,” the authors observe, “the interaction is no longer about the original purpose—it is now about defending dignity.”
This week [here and here], we’ve been exploring the requirements for a crucial conversation.
So, what exactly is a crucial conversation?
It’s a conversation where the stakes are high, people have different opinions, and emotions are intense.
The first requirement is having a Mutual Purpose. Which means the other person needs to know you care about what matters to them.
Mutual Purpose is what the authors call an “entry condition”: The people you’re talking with believe you care about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa.
But there is a second and equally important requirement: Mutual Respect.
“While it’s true that there’s no reason to enter a Crucial Conversation if you don’t have Mutual Purpose,” they note, “it’s equally true that you can’t stay in the conversation if you don’t maintain Mutual Respect.”
Mutual Respect is what keeps the conversation going. The authors call it the “continuance condition” of dialogue.
Mutual Purpose gets you into the conversation. Mutual Respect keeps you there.
“As people perceive that others don’t respect them,” the authors explain, “the conversation immediately becomes unsafe, and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.”
2: Imagine there’s a quality problem at work. A team is put together to tackle the issue and find a solution.
“You really want to see the problem resolved once and for all,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors explain. “Your job depends on it.”
But you’ve had problems with some of the other supervisors. You think they’re overpaid and not really qualified for their jobs.
“You firmly believe that not only are they in over their heads, but they do stupid things all the time,” they write. “Some of them even act unethically.”
During the meeting, you find yourself rolling your eyes whenever they speak.
“The disrespect you carry in your head creeps out in an unfortunate gesture,” they observe.
Without Mutual Respect, the conversation quickly unravels.
“The other supervisors take shots at your proposals,” the authors share. “You add insulting adjectives in describing theirs. As attention turns to scoring points, everyone loses.”
What just happened? “Your Mutual Purpose suffers from a lack of Mutual Respect,” they note.
3: How can you tell when Mutual Respect is missing?
“Watch for signs that people are defending their dignity,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors write.
Disrespect triggers a powerful emotional response.
“When people feel disrespected,” they observe, “they become highly charged. Their emotions turn from fear to anger.”
What happens next? People begin defending their dignity by pouting, calling each other names, yelling, or even making threats.
“To determine when Mutual Respect is at risk, ask yourself, ‘Do others believe I respect them?’” the authors recommend.
“For people to feel safe with you, they need to know two things about your intent. They need to know that:
- You care about their concerns (Mutual Purpose).
- You care about them (Mutual Respect).
Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect are the two requirements for productive dialogue. You need both for a crucial conversation to succeed..
More tomorrow!
Reflection: When a difficult conversation goes sideways, could the other person be questioning whether you genuinely respect them?
Action: Before your next difficult conversation, ask yourself two questions: Does this person know I care about what matters to them? And do they know I care about them?
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