1: It’s Friday night.
Mari works as a project manager for a global supply chain company. Oba is a chef.
It’s been a tough year for the couple.
“A recession triggered a restructuring in Mari’s company, and she was asked to take on additional responsibilities while downsizing her team,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Not only that, but the restaurant where Oba worked shut down. Since then, he hasn’t been able to find a steady job.
“The financial strain of losing Oba’s income compounded by the longer hours Mari is working has put an incredible amount of pressure on the relationship,” the authors note.
As Mari works more and more hours, Oba feels lonely and isolated. He feels like a secondary priority.
He responds by withdrawing and watching television in their darkened living room.
“Mari is feeling burned out from work and doesn’t think Oba has picked up enough of the home responsibilities,” Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors note.
2: When Mari arrives home at 8 p.m. after another busy week, she sees Oba sitting on the couch. The laundry still isn’t done and dirty dishes sit in the sink.
“She gets angry and makes a snide remark,” the authors observe. Her words fuel Oba’s growing resentment.
Meanwhile, Mari “retreats to their bedroom and collapses exhausted onto the bed,” they write. “Oba eventually falls asleep on the couch.”
On Sunday, Oba decides to bring up the topic with Mari. “Rather than waiting to talk when they are both tired or upset,” the authors note, “he picks a rare Sunday morning when they are having a relaxing brunch.”
Oba: “Mari, I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night—you know, when you got home late from work and went straight to our room?”
Mari: “Oh, you mean Friday night when you were sitting on the couch rather than doing chores in the house? That Friday night?”
Oba: “Hey, I was waiting for you to get home so we could spend some time together.”
Mari: “Sure, you were waiting for me all right. Waiting for me to do everything around here that needs to be done. When are you going to start carrying your share of the load around here?”
Oba gets up and walks out.
3: What just happened here?
“Oba tried to tackle a tough topic,” the authors point out. “Good for him. That wasn’t easy after months of not saying anything, but he dove in anyway. And then his partner responded in a snarky way.”
His intentions are good.
He “genuinely wanted to talk with Mari about their relationship. He loves her, and he knows that the way they have been treating each other isn’t good for either of them.”
But as soon as he broaches the topic, Mari becomes defensive.
Because Oba didn’t make his intentions clear, Mari filled in the blank. She assumed he was criticizing her yet again about how many hours she works and how she never makes time for him.
As soon as he started talking, she became defensive and lashed out.
“In these circumstances,” they note, “the worst at dialogue do what Oba and Mari did.”
Mari said whatever in on her mind with no thought about how it will be received.
Oba decides the topic isn’t safe to discuss. He goes silent and withdraws.
Now what?
“What do you do when you don’t feel safe sharing what’s on your mind?” they ask.
Instead of withdrawing, how can you step back, rebuild safety, and move a difficult conversation toward healthy and productive dialogue?
Those are the questions we’ll begin exploring this week in RiseWithDrew.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When a difficult conversation starts to feel unsafe, do you tend to lash out, go silent, or withdraw?
Action: Notice what you do the next time a conversation becomes tense. Before reacting, ask yourself what you could do to make the conversation feel safe again.
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