1: Some people are total jerks.
“Deep down and all the way through,” write Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors in their classic book Crucial Conversations.
Yep.
“But let’s be honest. Have you ever lost your temper?” the authors ask.
“Yelled at someone in the heat of the moment?
“Interrupted someone when you just couldn’t take it anymore?
“Used your power (as a parent, boss, or expert) inappropriately to get what you want?
“You know . . . acted like a jerk?”
The likely answer. . . yes.
“And guess what?
“You aren’t a jerk. You’re just a person who, in a tough moment, responded to a lack of safety with aggression.”
And recognizing that distinction can change how you respond.
2: So, how do you react when emotions run high? When someone gets angry at you?
“When a discussion becomes stressful, we often end up doing the exact opposite of what works,” the authors observe.
Do you get angry, too? Fight fire with fire?
Or, perhaps you shrink. Or withdraw instead.
It’s the classic fight or flight response.
But there’s also a third option.
Instead of reacting with anger or fear, you can choose to be curious. You ask yourself: Why are they behaving like this? Why are they behaving like this? What might be making them feel unsafe?
“Obviously this can be difficult,” they suggest. “But it’s worth it.”
Joseph, Kerry, and their co-authors define a Crucial Conversation as one where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.
Yesterday, we explored how productive dialogue requires people to feel safe enough to share what they really think and listen honestly and respectfully to each other.
That realization can change how you respond to someone else’s bad behavior.
Instead of judging the other person right away, get curious. Their sarcasm, withdrawal, anger, or attempts to control the conversation may be signs that they no longer feel safe.
So, how can you tell when that safety begins to disappear?
3: There are two main behaviors to watch for that show someone might feel unsafe: Silence and violence.
Silence is “always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning,” the authors explain. “Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely.”
Silence typically shows up in three ways: masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
“Masking consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions,” they note. Examples include sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching.
Example. They say: “Oh yeah, that’ll work like a charm” (accompanied by an eye roll). “Offer people a discount, and they’ll drive all the way across town just to save six cents on a box of soap.”
Meaning: “What a dumb idea.”
Avoiding happens when someone steers the conversation away from sensitive topics. You keep talking, but avoid the real issues:
Example. They say: “How does your new suit look? Well, you know that blue’s my favorite color.”
Meaning: “What happened? Did you buy your clothes at the circus?”
Withdrawing means leaving the conversation completely. Sometimes you just stop talking, or you might even leave the room:
Example. They say: “Excuse me. I’ve got to take this call.”
Meaning: “I’d rather gnaw off my own arm than spend one more minute in this useless meeting.”
Violence in this context is a “verbal strategy that attempts to convince or control others or compel them to your point of view,” the authors write.
By “violence,” the authors aren’t talking about physical violence. They mean verbal strategies designed to force your meaning into the conversation.
“It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool,” they explain. “Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats.”
The most common tactics are controlling, labeling, and attacking.
“Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking,” the authors say.
“It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation by interrupting, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions, among other strategies.”
Example. They say: “There’s not a person in the world who hasn’t bought one of these things. They’re the perfect gift.”
Meaning: “I can’t justify spending our hard-earned savings on this expensive toy, but I really want it.”
Labeling happens when you put a person, group, or idea into a category so you can dismiss them with a stereotype.
Example. They say: “That idea? It might have worked in the 1990s. But no one who actually cares about quality and customer service would ever implement that kind of a plan today.”
Meaning: “I can’t argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want, I’ll attack you personally.”
Attacking is just that. The goal isn’t simply to win the argument. It’s to make the other person suffer. This can include belittling and threatening.
Example. They say: “Don’t listen to a word Jim is saying. I’m sorry, Jim, but I’m on to you. You’re just trying to make it better for your team while making the rest of us suffer. I’ve seen you do it before. You’re a real jerk, you know that? I’m sorry, but someone has to have the guts to tell it like it is.”
Meaning: “To get my way, I’ll say bad things about you and then pretend that I’m the only one with any integrity.”
So what do you do when you recognize signs of silence or verbal violence?
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When you stop feeling safe in a difficult conversation, where do you tend to go: Silence or violence? Do you mask, avoid, withdraw, control, label, or attack?
Action: During your next difficult conversation, watch for one change in your own behavior or the other person’s behavior that signals safety may be disappearing. Instead of reacting, get curious: What might be making this conversation feel unsafe?
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