1: You notice that your generally high-performing assistant regularly shows up late to meetings.
When you bring up your concern, he looks genuinely upset.
Now what?
A common mistake is downplaying your feedback by saying, “You know it’s really not that big a deal.”
A smarter approach comes from Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, and their co-authors in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
“Don’t take back what you’ve said, and don’t apologize for it,” the authors suggest.
Instead, try Contrasting: Explain what you don’t mean, followed by what you do mean.
“At this point your assistant may believe you are completely dissatisfied with his performance,” they observe. “He believes that your view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect for him.”
What to do? Begin with what you DON’T mean.
“Let me put this in perspective,” you say. “I don’t want you to think I’m not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. I really do think you’re doing a good job.”
Then, transition to what you DO mean.
“This punctuality issue is important to me,” you state, “and I’d just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.”
2: A crucial conversation happens when the stakes are high, people have different opinions, and emotions are intense.
Contrasting is especially useful when someone feels disrespected, even though you didn’t intend to.
“You can start by innocently sharing your views,” Joseph and Kerry write, “but other people believe your intention is to harm them or coerce them into accepting your opinion.”
The other person feels insulted, even though that wasn’t your intention.
“Clearly an apology is not appropriate in these circumstances,” they note. “It would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong when you weren’t.”
Instead, use Contrasting.
“In the “don’t” part of the statement, you explain what you don’t intend for the conversation,” the authors write.
“This addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.”
Then, in the “do” part, make it clear that you respect the other person and explain your purpose for the conversation.
3: Yesterday, we analyzed a conversation between Oba and Mari, a couple going through a difficult period.
Mari (defensively): “Why are you always on my case? I’m working as hard as I can and carrying this huge load while you watch TV!”
Oba (using contrasting to restore purpose): “I don’t want to criticize you or get on your case. That wasn’t my intent, and I know you’re carrying a huge load. I do want us to be able to talk about our concerns with each other so we can address them and build our relationship.”
The authors emphasize that the “don’t” is the more important part because it addresses the misunderstanding that has made the conversation unsafe.
Safety first.
You can also use Contrasting as a powerful tool to prevent safety problems.
“In this respect, it’s similar to starting a conversation by sharing your good intent.”
Example: “I wanted to talk about how we’re managing our finances. I don’t want you to think that I don’t appreciate the time you’ve taken to keep our checking account balanced and up to date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn’t have done nearly as well.
“I do, however, have some concerns with how we’re using the new online banking system.”
Contrasting works especially well when you can anticipate how someone might misunderstand your intentions.
More tomorrow!
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Reflection: When someone misunderstands your intentions, do you clarify what you mean or back away from what you wanted to say?
Action: The next time someone misinterprets your intentions, explain what you don’t mean before clarifying what you do mean.
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