1: Maria is mad because her co-worker Louis took over the presentation to their boss.
They had worked on the presentation together and had agreed they would each present different parts.
But that’s not what happened.
“She’s feeling hurt but is worried that if she says something to Louis, she’ll look too emotional,” Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, and Emily Gregory write in their classic book Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Instead, Maria bottles up her feelings and occasionally makes snide remarks to Louis.
2: Maria feels. Then, she acts.
“That’s easy enough,” the authors observe, “but it prompts the question: What’s causing Maria’s feelings in the first place?”
Is it Louis, and how he’s acting? Did Louis make Maria feel insulted and hurt?
Maria saw Louis jump in and cover several key points she was supposed to present.
“Based on what she saw and heard, she generated an emotion, and then she acted out her feelings.”
But before jumping to conclusions, it’s worth considering: Is there anything between what Maria sees and hears and the way she feels?
“Does what you see, hear, or experience make you feel something?” they ask.
Yes, but don’t people react differently to the same event?
3: “As it turns out, there is an intermediate step between what others do and how you feel,” the authors note.
“Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it, we tell ourselves a story.”
You add meaning to what you observe, guess motives, and judge if it’s right or wrong.
“And then,” they explain, “based on these thoughts or stories, your body responds with an emotion.”
Which helps explain why people faced with the same circumstances react so differently.
“For instance,” they write, “with a coworker like Louis, some might feel insulted, whereas others merely feel curious. Some become angry, and others feel concern or even sympathy.”
“We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel,” the authors explain.
Our actions differ because the stories we tell ourselves differ.
However, this ‘storytelling’ step adds complexity to the framework.
But “it also gives us hope,” they write. “Since you and only you are telling the story, you can take back control of your own emotions by telling a different story.”
Realizing you can tell a different story allows you to master your emotions, and ultimately master what the authors call “Crucial Conversations.”
More tomorrow.
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Reflection: What story am I currently telling myself about a difficult situation or relationship—and is that story helping or hurting me?
Action: The next time you feel emotionally triggered, pause and identify the story you are telling yourself before reacting.
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